What's Changed Since Baby #3 Arrived? Everything.

Photo Credit: Don Bringas

It's been three months since my third child arrived and here are a few observations and realities now that mine is a family of five.

1. The world is built for families of four. There are two top tables. There are four top tables. Never do you arrive at a restaurant and find they are putting a two top and three top together for your family. Planes with two seats on one side and three seats on the other side of the aisle aren't designed for a family of five. One parent loses massively when on the three seater side, sandwiched between two children who surely only want the very things you can't reach while the "Fasten Seat belt" sign is on. And it's ALWAYS on. The only thing designed for families of five are minivans.
2. Instead of having one child in the bathroom with me, I now have two. One on my lap. Yes, on my lap. And one who hands me toilet paper. I assure you the toilet paper handler isn't a helper. Just a handler of all things in all bathrooms. 
3. Someone is always sick. Always. The day we brought our third home was the day we learned Hand, Foot and Mouth was going around our son's school. That should have been an indication of what was to come. The day our daughter recovered from a cold we learned our infant had a respiratory infection. The day our son recovered from a 24-hour stomach bug, our daughter had it. And then my husband. And then me. And then my father. And then my mother. And then....well....someone got something else.
4. Books have "lost" pages. And by lost, I mean that when reading to our kids at night, I often "accidentally" turn several pages at a time to shorten a 30 page book into something closer resembling 15 pages because there's still a child who needs something even after two of them are in bed.
5. Chips and a fruit squeezie constitute a meal. 
6. When out in public it's easy to spot which child was the most difficult to get out the door because that's the child who looks homeless or at the very least, not particularly cared for.
7. "The two of you need to work things out on your own" lesson has started earlier than our children can comprehend because it's so much more convenient than actually parenting.
8. We throw money at problems. In order to avoid taking our older (he's four) son's kindness and patience for granted, we've started giving him an allowance for helping get his sister ready in the morning. (Follow-up to #6: This is where I have clued you into the fact that she's the one who tends to look the least cared for.)
9. The bar has dropped. And I mean dropped like you when you would do the Limbo and there was just no way you were getting under that stick. Yes, that's the level to which I've lowered the bar of expectations for most things. Instead of failing each day, I tend to over achieve. It's a much better approach to life when outnumbered.
10. At the end of each day, after tucking them in at night, I immediately start to miss them.

Shots Fired. Trust Shattered.

This post is not a political opinion piece, nor does this even scratch the surface of the atrocities and pain of the mass shootings in this country. This post is about my experience as a mother.

Every night, my son's bedtime routine ends with the following questions.

"Is a monster going to come in?"
"Is the smoke detector going to beep?"
"Will you leave my door open a little bit?"
"Will you check on me in one minute?"

My son thrives on routine and embodies some of my neuroses and anxiety, hence the same four questions every night. As of late, I leave his room thinking about the enormity of guilt I have as I reassure him of his safety and yet I'm not in control of it at all. Or at least that's how it feels.

I'm not afraid of  falls, scrapes, bumps, bruises, hurt feelings, time-outs, tears, disappointments and all of the very real things children need to experience to grow. And I don't hesitate before sending my kids to school each day and I don't want to and that's the point.

My three children are young and as someone once said to me, "When your children are young, parenting is hard. When your children are older, parenting is complicated." While I'm sure I won't fully appreciate the brilliance of this statement until my children are older, already, I get what the person meant as we face the conversations with our children about the world we live in.

For my children, it's simple. Their trust in me and their father enables them to try new things without hesitation, to feel safe exploring new places, meeting a new friend or babysitter, to feel safe in a new school or after school program. When we are at the playground and one of the kids hesitates to climb or jump, they look to me or their dad and we either give a knowing nod of reassurance that we know they can do it on their own or we offer words of encouragement for the kids to decide if they want to try it on their own or if they want help. Our kids trust that we will keep them safe --- if we tell them we know they can do something, they don't hesitate. It's one of the most brilliant gifts of parenting young children. But recently, it also feels like a burden.

These young children know nothing of a world that's outside of the "bubble" created for them by us parents. They are privileged to not question if how I dress them will keep them warm. Of course it will. They need not question if they have their lunch. If their school has nice teachers. If they will come home to a nanny they adore and who will ensure a fun filled afternoon of games, play, hugs and kisses. The responsibility of being a parent feels enormous when things happen in this world that force us to accept that no matter how hard we work at creating this "bubble," it inevitably isn't a sustainable existence. And honestly, that's fine. In fact it's good for kids to know something about the real world. It's why donating toys and food and being involved in community activities is something we value enormously. It's one of the easiest ways for us to humble our kids. But when it comes to bursting the proverbial bubble, how in the hell do we do it without terrifying our children about the world we live in.

My children's entire life depends upon and is built around a foundation of trust in me and my word and the sense of safety, security and routine that they feel. I understand that I can't ever pretend that we live in a world where I can guarantee their safety at all times. Accidents happen. Things happen. Life happens. But what about when it comes to their safety in the very places they most depend on it, such as school. How do I explain that? God, I don't want to. My heartaches for anyone who has children of an age who ask about school shootings. Or, the horror, have experienced a school shooting.

I'm not paranoid about our world. I'm not afraid of reality. I'm not naive to the fact that I'm privileged to not live in a war zone. But I am a parent and more than that, I am the #1 advocate for my children. My children's lives are only as safe as I am loud in requiring that there not be danger in places where danger should never lurk. Under the bed? No monsters. In the closet? No monsters. At school? We should all be able to confidently say, No monsters.

I don't have an answer for how we end senseless violence. For how we normalize things that should be normal, like going to school and going to the doctor and doing those things without fear. What I do know is that I will raise my voice. I will scream and shout support for those who will help lead us to one. My kids deserve it.

########

If you want your voice to be heard, please check out the website for the March  for Gun Safety to join a march near you.

Where to Go with Kids in DC: Museums

When it comes to finding an indoor activity to do with kids, there are many perks to living in Washington, D.C. With the countless museums and the metro accessibility, not only can you find a place to go, but getting there can be a thrill for your child if you take a train or bus. Here are some of my families favorite spots.

The Smithsonian's National Air and Space Museum is virtually an unbeatable destination. When you enter the museum, you are immediately transported into exhibits as there are planes and rockets hanging from the ceiling and exhibitions throughout the open main floor. While there's so much to see, there's also so much to do. There is the "How Things Fly" designed to teach about the many aspects of air travel through hands-on stations. There are more buttons to push than you can imagine and the stations are engaging for not only the wee ones, but the older kids, too. In this area there's also a real plane where kids can climb into the cockpit to experience what it's like to be a pilot.

(Air and Space Museum's "How Things Fly," Photo Credit Smithsonian Institution)

For older kids and adults there is a flight simulator area where you can really get the adrenaline pumping depending on how adventurous you're feeling. There's also an IMAX theater that shows a variety of films, some of which are kid friendly and some are for an older set. And if you are ok with fast food, you'll be pleased to know there's a food court in the museum that has McDonald's, Boston Market and a pizzeria.

The National Building Museum offers a lot in the way of entertainment. First, there's a huge hall where you can let your little one(s) run free, but more than that, they have activities for families, kid friendly exhibits, a dedicated children's play room and large building blocks for kids to use, along with other rotating family friendly events. In terms of ease of accessibility on a rainy or snowy day, the Museum is across the street from the Judiciary Square metro and only a few blocks from the Gallery Place station.

The National Portrait Gallery is one of my families favorite indoor "playgrounds." I've found that it's easy to make a game of looking at the portraits with kids. From counting the number of boys vs. girls to asking kids to find their favorite portraits, you can actually see the art of the museum with young ones. But if that's not what you had in mind and you just need a destination, this is the spot (sorry art lovers who loathe all the wild kids).

(Portrait Gallery Museum. Photo Credit Smithsonian Institution) 

The Robert and Arlene Kogod Courtyard  (photo above) at this museum is amazing. The glass ceiling is incredible on a clear day and also a rainy one and it's an expansive area where kids can run around without causing any trouble. There is a water feature that is a huge hit with kids. Basically a water feature on the floor that enables kids to run, kick, play and slosh around in less than an inch of water and the feature runs almost the entire length of the atrium so there's room for everyone to explore. Bonus is the cafe adjacent to the atrium where you can score a great lunch and also a mini bottle of wine...or coffee....or water.  As for location, it's virtually unbeatable as you are just blocks from the Gallery Place, Metro Center and Judiciary Square metro stations and you're surrounded by the many casual dining options that come with a Gallery Place/Verizon Center location.

The National Museum of Natural History requires no added activities beyond what it has to offer with its exhibitions and discovery stations. This museum has it all in terms of grabbing and keeping the interest of young ones. From the African Elephant in the rotunda to the amazing coral reef, it's hard to move children through the museum because there's so much that captures their attention. For those who want a hands-on experience this museum doesn't disappoint. As with some other Smithsonian institutions, there are discovery stations where you can learn more about what you see in exhibitions and often touch various objects. There is also the Q?rius Discover Room, ".. a hands-on room featuring real Museum objects and artifacts. During Open Hours, visitors explore activities representing exhibitions and behind-the-scenes research at the Museum. Visitors of all ages can look at fossils, skulls, shells and minerals, use a microscope, try on traditional clothing from around the world, and much more!"

The National Museum of American History is an incredible experience as children can take in the magnificent halls of the museum, take a seat on a train car in the America on the Move exhibition, see the U.S. flag constructed out of LEGO® (on exhibit through the end of 2015). For kids ages six to twelve, there is also Spark!Lab. "Spark!Lab is where museum visitors become inventors. The Lemelson Center for the Study of Invention and Innovation invites children between the ages of 6 and 12 to create, collaborate, explore, test, experiment, and invent. Activities for children and families incorporate traditional science, technology, engineering, and math (STEM) with art, museum, and creativity. Spark!Lab activities are designed around common themes that connect to Museum collections and exhibitions. These themes will change on a regular basis, ensuring that regular visitors have something new to explore."

Another great spot is the National Museum of the American Indian. The building itself is gorgeous and something worth seeing in DC, let alone all that the museum has to offer inside.

                                                     (National Museum of the American Indian. Photo credit Smithsonian Institution)

Throughout the museum, like others, you may find learning stations or discovery carts where you have a hands-on experience that's relevant to something you will find or learn about during your visit. In addition, one of the incredible aspects of this museum is the imagiNATIONS Activity Center. "The interactive, family-friendly imagiNATIONS Activity Center provides visitors of all ages with a multitude of unique learning experiences... Visitors to the center can explore some of these ingenious adaptations through a variety of hands-on activities: Weave a giant basket to learn about the various styles of basketry. Explore different modes of transportation like snowshoes and skateboards. Sit inside a full-sized tipi and learn about the buffalo... Additionally, the activity center offers stories about Native cultures or by Native authors, available for reading in the center’s story room. The craft room offers visitors the opportunity to create art projects and take them home..."

Possibly one of the best dining experiences on/around the National Mall is the National Museum of the American Indian's Mitsitam Cafe. The Cafe has several different food stations, each representing Native foods from different regions. It's an incredible dining experience offering visitors the opportunity to taste authentic and contemporary foods from various regions.

Bonus...

If you happen to visit one of the museums located around the National Mall on a day that's not too chilly, you can treat the kids to a ride on the National Carousel post-museum visit. 

(Photo Credit, National Carousel)

Once Upon a Time, When I Didn't Have Kids

Rainy days like today, when the cabin fever induced screams of my children are as overwhelming as complete silence in the playroom, I can't help but to think back to a time when I didn't have children.

In a land far, far, far, far, very far away, I lived with my husband in D.C. We had the right amount of space for the two of us and all of our belongings were contained in closets and on shelves. There weren't any bins or baskets littered throughout the house, overflowing with randomness. On rainy days like today, we would easily sleep in as the sun wouldn't be creeping through the blinds. After a cup or two of coffee, we would make breakfast and read the paper and then spend a lot of time contemplating what movie we would see and at what time. Oh the horrors and stress of those conversations. Do we go to a matinee followed by lunch? No, because we would be full from popcorn and candy. Yes, we definitely didn't want a movie time that would alter our three daily meals or desire to gorge on popcorn and Sno-Caps. But if we were going to Georgetown, the theater would be so crowded and parking would be such a hassle. We would interrupt our movie making plans to make dinner reservations as we wouldn't want to miss a night out. After quickly reaching out to friends - all of whom could make plans at a whim because none of us had kids - we would then work backwards from dinner to lunch to decide on a movie and time. Yes, this was a typical rainy day before kids and the movie conversation felt stressful.

Having just spent two hours at an indoor bouncy house facility that smelled like feet, I can't help but daydream of life before kids and the things I used to do. I'm not sure about you, but here are some things I imagine being able to do again, albeit that with three children under the age of five, it feels like these things will only happen in a land far, far away.

One day I will again be able to buy magazines at the airport - LOTS of them - and read them at my leisure on the plane.

One day I will be able to sit in a lounge chair poolside and close my eyes.  For now, I just stand poolside and barely allow myself to blink for fear of kids around water.

One day I will go on a beach vacation and layout on a blanket. Oh the thrill of laying down by myself on a blanket that's not covered in sand from little feet running across it as if it weren't there at all.

One day I will take a long, lingering shower because I won't fear a child sticking his or her head behind the curtain to play peekaboo.

One day I won't have to announce my every move - like that "mommy needs to go to the potty" - and I'll just be able to go.

One day I won't say the word potty.

One day the only ass I will wipe is my own.

One day I will be able to select 'shuffle' on my iTunes and not have every other song be children's music.

One day I won't need a minivan.

One day I will be able to easily pull into my garage and not have to rearrange strollers, bikes and randomness in order to make room for my car.

One day I will be able to open all of the drawers and cabinets in my house without undoing child safety locks.

One day I will be able to fill a vase with flowers and not worry that it will get broken or that someone will eat the flowers.

One day I will be able to eat without being asked what I'm eating and why.

One day I am sure I will look back and miss all of the above. Or at least some of the above. Or maybe one of the above. Or, maybe not.

My Favorite Products: Water Bottles and Sippy Cups

It's amazing to me how products changed in the four years between my first and third child.  From bottles to bouncers, strollers, car seats, toys and more.

After hundreds of orders from places like Buy Buy Baby, BabiesRUs, Diapers.com, Target and Amazon, there are some products I've found that I simply can't - or don't want to - live without. So here's a peak into what's in my Mommy Survival Kit. Please share what items you can't live without!

#######

When it comes to sippy cups, it's taken me years to find ones that truly do not leak, are easy to assemble, easy for my kids to use, and because I'm a germaphobe, keep the straws covered. Here are my top pics:

1. Contigo bottles have never failed me. They are easy to clean, easy to use (one touch and the straw/mouthpiece pops up) and my kids love the designs.

2. The Munchkin Click-Lock Weighted Flexi Straw Cup was the absolute best find when transitioning my daughter to drinking from a straw. Because of the weighted straw, my daughter can hold this cup at any angle and still be able to drink from it. As she always tilts cups, as she sees the way adults use them, any cup that requires she hold it upright in order to get a drink, doesn't work. This cups also comes with any easy to use sliding cover for the straw which is great for keeping it clean and the handles are easy for little ones to carry.

3. Avent Straw Cups are a new find. After filling my daughter's sippy cups and securing the lid, my independent rascal likes to unscrew the lid and put it back on herself. As you can imagine, this leads to countless spills and a lot of frustration of spilled drinks. These nifty cups have lids that secure similarly to medicine bottles. You need to press on the sides of the lid in order to twist it to remove it, so once it's on, I know she can't then get it off and make a mess. Genius. The top does easily twist to cover the straw, but you can't remove the lid without squeezing the two pressure points.

I would love to know what I'm missing out on if you've found a great cup that doesn't leave a puddle of liquid in your diaper bag!

I'm Certain that Ice Cream Truck Drivers Hate Parents

The music is unmistakable and it usually comes right before lunch or right before dinner. It's as if the ice cream truck driver times his or her arrival at playgrounds just to piss parents off as a great morning or afternoon of play instantly evaporates into a crying, screaming, shrieking, tantrum as you inform your child he or she must eat lunch or dinner before having ice cream. Alternately, you might say yes to ice cream, but you know that you're simply delaying a battle of wills that will be waged at home once the sugar rush is gone and you're left with a toddler who has subsided only on sugar for an afternoon and whose face is stained with food coloring from a giant ice something. You'll then tell yourself that the food coloring isn't so bad because you otherwise feed your child organic food. What follows is a wave of guilt over not standing your ground, followed by the reminder that it was just ice cream. You'll only remember the annoyance of it all when you next hear that ice cream truck music.

I have to believe that ice cream truck drivers hate parents. Why else would they pull up to playgrounds right before lunch and right before dinner? We are talking arrivals at playgrounds between 11:15am-12:15pm and 5:00pm-5:30pm. What ever happened to snack time? What about pulling up between 2:00pm-4:00pm? Or do you, dear ice cream truck drivers, know the ins and outs of What to Expect: The Toddler Years and know that our kids are napping until past 3:00pm making an arrival at the playground before 4:00pm unlikely. And it is, after all, the toddlers you are targeting, right? Because those cherubic faces are the ones us parents can't say no to so we are the bulk of your business.

Here's what I think should happen, to the benefit of parents and ice cream truck drivers all across the land...

Roll-up to any playground between 2:00pm-4:00pm with ice cream. Then, roll through my neighborhood delivering wine between the hours of 5:00pm-7:00pm. Then, and only then, will I believe that you don't hate parents.

Secrets Women Keep

There, I said it.  Women keep secrets from each other. There's no malicious intent, just an unspoken, "Trust me, you don't want to know" attitude that women who have been through childbirth have when it comes to talking to first time pregnant friends.

The other side of this is you find that there's absolutely no topic that you won't discuss with other new mothers after going through pregnancy and childbirth. And I mean, there is zero filter. Or at least that's been my experience.

I've never - not for one single moment - thought "who can I talk to about all of these strange and disgusting and surprising things" and perhaps that's because after having a child, I could talk to any other new mother I encountered -- close friend, colleague or complete stranger.

Being asked, "Did you have an episiotomy?" is one of the ways women swing open the door of new mother bonding. Yes, conversations have begun with an inquiry into lady parts. Not your traditional "So, where did you grow up?" means of conversation while getting to know someone. This is the Let's Do This approach new mothers take to bonding with other women. We are sleep deprived, our hormones all over the place (of note, that statement can only be made by self admission), and we are drowning in a deep sea of information and opinions. We are desperate for adult conversation and empathy and have no time for beating around the bush.

"Do you pee a little when you exercise?"

"So, your nipples..."

"Do you think I can convince my doctor to tell my partner that six weeks is too soon?" 

"Have you started your period?"

"Do you think the OB expected that I would have been waxed before I went to the hospital?"

These are just a sampling of the conversations us ladies have post birth. None of these, while openly discussed AD (After Delivery) would be discussed PD (Pre-Delivery) with unknowing friends for two reasons,  1) You don't want to diminish the beauty and excitement of having a baby and 2) You can't possibly stop once you start revealing the things that transpire during labor & delivery and shortly thereafter.

But today, oh today, this is the day when I'm going to shed just a little light on a few of the "mysteries" of post-birth as I'm currently "enjoying" these milestones.

You Don't "Bounce Back" After Baby. Not only may it take months to lose the baby weight, it's highly likely that your body will never be the same as it was pre-baby. That's not to say it won't be an awesome new body. The number on the scale may indicate "you're back," but your hips may remain a bit wider, your feet a bit bigger, your ass a lot flatter....

From Playboy to National Geographic. While you may feel like it's impossible to believe that you will go from a B cup to a DD cup to an A cup, that's what is going to happen. Before you can enjoy your huge boobs, you will lose them and they will be replaced with something that more resembles National Geographic photos than ones you'll find in Playboy.

Breast-feeding is a Pain. Breast-feeding hurts. There are the sore nipples -- the blisters,dryness, chaffing and bleeding that can accompany the time when you struggle to "get it right." Then you have the risks of blocked ducts and thrush. But even on a good day, with no other complications, you endure "The 60 Second Sizzle" when your child starts nursing. You're welcome.

Fall Out. Your hair is going to fall out. The thick mop of hair you acquired during pregnancy is going to fall out. Not all of it, but you are going to shed a lot of hair. Possibly handfuls at a time. The solution? Buy some Draino and accept what's coming.  Your hairstylist will also know what's happening, so there's a trusted resource if you're freaking out.

All Banged Up. Speaking of hair...you may also learn the answer as to why so many new moms decided to get bangs. It's to cover up the "baby bangs" -- wispy thin strands that grow around your hairline at your forehead post-birth and seemingly take forever to grow out. Katie Holmes sported them at her wedding to Tom Cruise.

Jumpin Jack Flash. You will have hot flashes at night that will make you jump out of bed, convinced something is seriously wrong. Nothing is wrong. You just had a baby and your hormones are going crazy. As if tending to a newborn doesn't leave you sleep deprived enough, you may find yourself waking soaking wet, needing to change PJs and then having the chills while trying to fall back asleep. p.s. - as soon as you do fall asleep the baby will want to eat.

It All Depends. You're going to pee your pants for weeks. And this isn't just for those who suffer from incontinence post delivery (didn't know that was an option?). In general, if you have a vaginal delivery, you're going to pee throughout the day and definitely if you go for a run or try to just enjoy a good laugh with friends. Suddenly the packages of Depends in the feminine hygiene aisle don't seem so ridiculous.

Junior High on Repeat. You're going to get your period with no warning, no notice, no indication that you should be prepared. You're going to be embarrassed, you're going to be at the office or out running errands or with your kids. You're going to wonder if anyone can tell it happened. And you're going to need to ask someone for a tampon. Hopefully a friend. Possibly a colleague. Maybe an equally unsuspecting new mother who just happened to be prepared. Lesson here is to keep a pad or tampon in your diaper bag and work bag. It's like junior high all over again...yeah.

It's possible there are other changes and phases you'll experience after having a baby and for those who have been there, you know some of the ones I've omitted. But the truth of the matter is that the natural high that follows your Super Hero status of having produced a human being carries you through most of the "ick" moments and softens most of the "ugh" moments so that your postpartum time is more "oh, ooh and ah" than anything else. Promise. Well, kind of.

Minivan Etiquette: Giving Up More than Your Cool Status

My son was born on Wednesday, September 23rd. On Friday, September 25th, my husband and I brought our son home, but on our way from the hospital we stopped to buy a minivan.

The jig is up. I'm a Montgomery County suburb dwelling almost 40-years old mother of three. Whatever I think I have to prove, well, I need to let it go. It will be far more embarrassing for me to try and "prove" something than for you to give me a sympathetic nod when I pull up next to you in my minivan.

As my husband and I drove home having a circular conversation affirming our "need" for the minivan vs. a SUV, it dawned on me that there is an unwritten minivan code of etiquette I must now adhere to and it includes the below;

1. When passing another vehicle, I must remember that I'm driving a minivan and therefore forfeit the right to look at the driver I'm passing with detest and judgement that they are a horrible driver. I am, after all, driving a minivan.
2. Regardless of features and gadgets, under no circumstance may I position my minivan as cool. It falls under the category of sensible purchase. Not cool.
3. I will not drive with the windows down because that's just never a good look in a minivan. Exception is diaper blowout in which case all windows must be down. Of note, you'll know by looking at my face that I didn't choose to put the windows down.
4. I will do all valets the favor of using Uber when I go out at night. (Ha, ha, ha! As if I'm ever going out at night with three kids under the age of 5)
5. When taking the vehicle to the car wash, I will generously tip all those who clean my car as I can only throw snacks to the child in the third row so they inevitably spill, and I never go back to the third row, so it's simply where snacks go to die.
6. I won't ever offer friends a ride in the minivan. At least not the friends I want to keep.
7. I will not tailgate with the minivan. Although it has impressive cargo space and would be convenient, I understand that drinking beer and more so serving beer from the vehicle isn't a good look. (See how I kind of violated #2 with my boasting of mini's cargo space? Who would have thought I would want to brag about my mini?!)
8. Due to the fact that the size of my family and inability to pack efficiently requires that I drive a minivan, I will not add a "Baby on Board" sign or family stick figure stickers to the back of the vehicle.
9. I will not get a personalized license plate for the minivan. The vehicle is enough of a statement.
10. I will no longer look at drivers of minivans with sympathy... I will just now give a knowing nod.

Almost Kicked Out of Childbirth Class + Lessons Learned on Packing for the Hospital

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was so "prepared" that I put together a 3-ring binder of information and references. I took every class and did every tour recommended. Some were helpful, some...not so much.

During a childbirth education class, there were hours spent when the preggo women in the room were instructed to try out the many different positions that might be recommended during labor.

"Go ahead and try this one...get comfortable...make sure your partner knows his/her role."

That first line of instruction had me staring blankly at my husband. That one line of direction felt too close to a common pregnancy statement that I loathe which is when the non-pregnant person makes the statement "We are pregnant." No, we are most certainly not.

To tell me that I need to find a position that's "comfortable" (relative to pushing a human out of my body) and to make sure my partner has a role. Not happening. Here's my partners role: Worship me, care for me, tolerate me and don't repeat back to me (or anyone...ever) anything I said or did that wasn't AMAZING during labor. That's my partners role.

So everyone is on a ball or on their hands and knees and partners are rubbing shoulders, holding hair, etc. I looked at my husband while I unenthusiastically sat on a yoga ball and said "Don't touch me." The teacher overheard me, as did several nearby participants. Apparently I wasn't being productive.

"We really need you to take this seriously or we'll have to ask you to leave."

"I am taking this seriously. I seriously don't want him to touch me while I'm in labor."

We stared at each other, the teacher knowing better than to mess with a pregnant woman with a strong POV. We broke for lunch. My husband and I didn't return to the class.

With that in mind, it's then no surprise that when I read "What to Pack for the Hospital" on the What to Expect website, that I laughed. And laughed. And laughed a bit more. It's not that it's funny, and in fact I offer my apologies to those offended by my reaction to the list, but if you know me...you'll understand.

LABOR GEAR

• "Pen and pad for taking notes, or the What to Expect Pregnancy Organizer"
• No. I'm not taking notes. Someone else can take notes, but what I want to remember is that women who have gone before me swear that I'll forget everything that happens. (exception being the amazing moment when you meet your child) 
• "Your birth plan (several copies, so all staff, on all shifts, can get one)"
• Unless you go for a natural, non-medicated birth, isn't the plan DRUGS + evicting "tenant" upon conclusion of his/her 40-week stay?
• "Stopwatch to time contractions"
• Aren't you in the hospital? Pretty sure they've got this one covered for you.
• "Massage oils or lotions"
• Ah yes, oh how I want to be massaged while in labor. The thought of having my husband gingerly massage me as if to relieve the pain and anxiety that a human is about to walk out of my V...pass. Do. Not. Touch. Me.
• "A tennis ball or plastic rolling pin — both make excellent back rub tools — or an actual massager."
• How about "a tennis ball for throwing at everyone who tells you to "bear down" and yet can't actually describe to you what that means.
• A rolling pin to use as a weapon for anyone who tries to give you a back rub.
• "Your favorite pillow"
• This is just mean. Yes, pack your favorite pillow and then leave it at the hospital. You won't be getting any good sleep for weeks.
• "If you have long hair, a clip or scrunchie to keep it out of your face"
• If you care about your hair, something is wrong.
• "Snacks for during labor (your own snacks will be limited, and must be approved by your practitioner; your partner should pack sandwiches and nutritious nibbles so he doesn't have to leave your side to find something to eat)"
• Oh, that's right. I'll be fasting as part of the "magic" of birthing a baby and with contractions forcing me to double over in pain, I'll make you a sandwich, honey. Yeah, let me get right on that.

On a serious note, there are some great things on the list, so if you are preparing for a trip to the hospital, do check it out. However, as noted above, there's also some sh*t you don't need to bring.

You're welcome.

The Mommy Scale

I've recently had a series of candid conversations with moms about what our lives are really like and how it feels to work outside the home and feel present when in the home. The thread that ties all of these conversations together is that we all have degrees of awareness that we need to let go of some of the many things we feel we must do and yet we can't quite let go of anything.

One of the worst feelings is that of not being successful in any of the many roles I play. Not feeling like I'm on top of my game at work, not present at all the times when my kids want or need me, not spending time with my husband because there's laundry to do and lunches to make, and then of course never getting around to actually putting the laundry away once folded and questioning the quality of the lunch I packed. Heaven forbid I then indulge all my neurosis and think about what the teachers will think of the lunch that I packed. Dare I wonder how its contents compares to that of the other lunches? Should I check out Pinterest and look for creative new ways to make lunches? STOP. I just have to stop.

My reality is that the list of things to do at home grows at the same rate as my work aspirations and where does that leave me? Mommy purgatory. And I want out.

I don't think this feeling is about the need to "Lean In" so much as it is about stopping to think about what I haven't really thought about since before I first became a parent (you know...those golden moments of pregnancy when you paint an idyllic picture of the type of mother you'll be?). Well, it's real. It's happening. It's time to sincerely ask myself, "What kind of parent do I want to be and what lessons do I want to teach my kids about my role and contributions to our family?"

It's too easy to move on autopilot that I haven't stopped to think about the mother I want to be to my children. Of course loving, nurturing, patient, fun, silly, engaged, and all of those things. But in terms of my children's perception of me as a provider, what does that look like? What will they come to value and what do I want them to value?

After stressing about lunches for my son and the batch cooking for the week, my older and wiser brother forced me to realize that I'm stressing about the wrong things.

"Reece, who makes your lunch?" he asked my son.

"Can we go play in the basement?" Reece replied.

My brother turned to me and said, "you're worrying about something Reece gives no thought to. Not that it's not important, but maybe try to think about what Reece most needs and you'll feel better about being present because you'll be on top of what he's looking for from you."

Light bulb.

It was in that moment that I realized I have defined my role as mother based on my own criteria of responsibilities that I believe fall to mothers and those things are not specific to the ages of my children, but rather very traditional and stereotypical things like laundry, lunches, snacks, art projects, preparing things for school. As I write this I'm thinking, "I'm a feminist for crying out loud and I've gone all 50s on what I think my role should be?!" This is why I have needed to stop and think about my role as a mother.

What I have come to realize is that I'm defining my successes and failures as a mother based on a scale that I've designed. A scale that for some reason I have set to measure the same things year after year, never changing and yet with each passing day/month/year, I watch the needs of my children change.

I haven't thought about the people I'm in the relationship with - my kids - and tried to put myself in their shoes at four and one years old and thought about what they want in a mommy. They aren't going to comprehend the value of my career and what it might mean to them later in life. So why am I fixated on trying to measure my successes on this scale that doesn't match their needs? My kids want their favorite shirts and snacks and toys, but there's no doubt the asks for those things come after the #1 ask of having me spend more time with them playing, reading, cuddling.

It's just like any relationship. What I think I should handle as a wife are the very things my husband would deem as "second tier" wants and needs. He would be happier ordering takeout if it meant we could hangout longer vs. me making dinner and cleaning dishes while he watched a movie alone.

So why, if the recipe is so simple. If the need is so basic. If all they want is time, why and how is it so hard to find? It's because of that damn scale. That scale I created. The scale that I resist changing because it feels like I'm lowering the bar or somehow failing by recognizing the need to change the way I measure myself. That scale that just forced me to realize I've been working against myself for the past four years. That scale that I thought kept me on track, but in fact derailed me.

So I come back to the great question of what kind of mother do I want to be and how will I feel good about the mom that I am? Perhaps before I measure myself, I should ask the people I'm measuring for to create the scale and I should consider their needs regularly to help me define and constantly redefine the role. Of all the things I think I "should" be doing, bottom line is that what my kids want most is for me to simply be present.

So hello Pinterest fails because I'll be making those creative projects with my kids and most likely, the messier the better. Farewell to trying to be a SuperMom who gets everything right.

Sh*t People Really Say to You When You're Pregnant

Today marks the beginning of my 24th week of pregnancy and also the second time someone has asked if I'm sure I'm not having twins. Assholes.

The only reason you would look at someone who is pregnant and ask if she is having twins is because you're shocked by the size of her belly, boobs, swollen feet, hands, face, or any other apendage that you can't help but have swell when pregnant.  

Asking someone if they are carrying twins is like asking an overweight person if they want to rethink the dessert they just ordered because surely they've already had enough to eat. You just don't. You just wouldn't. You just shouldn't.

What is it about pregnancy that makes people feel like they have carte blanche to say whatever comes to mind and to put their hands on a woman's belly? Why would anyone want to touch a strangers stomach or think that it's appropriate in the slightest? Why not cop a feel of my huge boobs while you're at it because any hand on any part of my body is bizarre, might as well make it interesting, too.

As a mother of two already, I know that going through pregnancy and entering parenthood does bond you with other parents. A friend with whom you've never talked about sex, you can't help but discuss things like episiotomes (note: if you don't know what that is already, do yourself a favor and do not Google it) and nipple ointments. It's just some very real sh*t and you need people with whom you can keep it real. But what you don't need, is a total stranger judging you or scaring you with horror stories of pregnancy, labor and delivery.

As any mother knows, there are things about pregnancy, labor and delivery, and post-birth that you don't even share with other soon to be mothers, no matter how close you are to the person. You know that it's better left unsaid, but that you'll be there for the friend when they turn to you and say, "How come you never told me about [insert one of so many disgusting things]."

With so many women in the world and women who have had children, how is it that so many people don't know the etiquette associated with engaging with someone who is pregnant? My public service is to share some of the rules with you.

1. Do NOT comment on the size of a pregnant woman (this includes asking if she's having multiples)
2. If I tell you I don't know the sex of the baby, do NOT then ask "What position were you in when you conceived?" True story. Someone asked. Apparently my answer could have confirmed for this total stranger the sex of my child. Super.
3. Don't ask a future mother if she's ready for parenthood. No one is ever ready. 
4. Under no circumstance, other than a mother wearing a t-shirt that reads "Please touch my belly," should you approach a woman's stomach with your hand out to cup the bump.
5. When dining with a pregnant friend, do not be alarmed if she's insulted that the waiter removed her wine glass from the table. Even if it's a good choice not to drink, we don't want anyone telling us we can't.
6. Do not ask me about my choice of having or not having an epidural or my chioce of breastfeeding or formula feeding my child. Both are ripe with judgement.
7. Do not respond in any way other than delight if someone reveals to you the name they've chosen for their unborn child.
8. Don't ever say, "Was this planned or is this an "oops" baby?"
9. Let's do away with the old wives tale that you can tell if a woman is carrying a girl because baby girls steal their mother's good looks. When spoken out loud, this is how this sounds, "Yikes. You look rough. Pregnancy acne, swollen ankles, dull hair. You must be having a girl and she already hates you."
10. And the most sensitive question that I think all people should avoid asking anyone who is pregnant, "Are you going to stop working so you can raise your kids?" Super personal, likely complicated and never easy to answer. A legit question that to the unknowing person may not feel loaded, but it is. Trust me.

Here are two great videos that further capture some of the things people say to those who are preggo....

What Not to Say to A Pregnant Woman by Baby Gizmo

ELLE | 5 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WOMAN!

But I Can't Get Pregnant! Or So They Said....

"Congratulations," my doctor says in a cautious tone not knowing if it's joy or terror filling my heart.  Truth be told, it's first terror and then joy. And the look on my face clearly reflected my feelings.

"Is this a surprise? What kind of birth control were you using?," she then asks.

Not hard questions and yet I just sat there, staring at her, suddenly more aware of my nausea than ever. Or is that the terror? 

Feeling as if I now look like a I feel --- ghostly white and ready to vomit --- in perhaps the most matter-of-fact tone in which I've ever uttered any words, I replied. "Birth control? I was relying on the fact that I CAN'T GET PREGNANT! My infertility was my birth control." My doctor just looked at me and wisely responded, "Well, apparently you're now fertile."

Who needs birth control when you've been told that you can't naturally conceive?! Apparently I do. Britney Spears' "Oops I Did it Again" popped into my head and more than it was I ironic I just felt old. (I swear I was cool when Britney first came on the scene. But now I'm knocked up...again...and making a Brit Brit reference and yes, I just referred to her as Brit Brit).

I was given a 0% chance of getting pregnant on my own with my first child. Couldn't happen. With IUI my chances increased to 15%.  Two years later I returned to the doctor who again confirmed that I would not be able to conceive without assistance, but for various reasons my odds were now just 5% with IUI.  I'm the lucky winner and I know that to be true...I won with odds of 15% and 5% and now here I am pregnant against all odds.  Sincerely, I'm grateful and not taking it for granted, but it's honestly as shocking as coming home and finding that my two children turned into dogs while I was at work. 

The hard and definitive decision to not have any more children was no longer the decision my husband and I made.  Not only was the sense of control we thought we had over our lives rattled, but with this baby, we will be outnumbered and that's just not good. Not good at all. We are a man-on-man defense and man-on-man offense kind of family. Play to your strengths and we do. Our strength is being man-on-man. Not anymore.

Last year, or maybe the year prior, there was a quiz promoted all over Facebook where based on a few questions, you were told how many children you should have. My quiz result was two.

Because every question - the medical, mystical and practical - can be answered through a Google search, I began searching "having three children." Source alone, a blog titled "Scary Mommy," I clicked on her piece about having three kids. It was the best bit of empathy I have had since finding out I was pregnant - "... Everyone asks if it’s your first and when you say it’s your third, they laugh hysterically and walk away."  

Regardless of the roller coaster ride to come, the way I see it is that I'm already buckled in with two, so really, isn't one more just like adding a few upside down turns?

Mother's Day Is About More than Moms. Thank you to All My Ladies!

Today is one of my favorite days and not because it's a Hallmark holiday added to the list of so many other "holidays." I genuinely embrace the sentiment of today and am grateful for a day that reminds me to say the thank-yous to the amazing women who keep me inspired to do better than just put one foot in front of the other.

When I think about the women in my life today, it's not just the other mothers that I want to thank. You don't have to be a mom to be mothering, caring, loving, supportive, tough, kind and part of someones village. You do, however, have to have the patience of saint to tolerate all the kid and parenting stories that you could otherwise live without. So for me, today honors those women, in addition to my fellow moms.

Parenting is much like a team sport and perhaps it's more so that than the product of a village. On the team, you have people who help you play to your strengths and those who force you to acknowledge your weaknesses. There are those who have your back and those who leave you to fend for yourself, mostly because they know you can. Just you don't know you can. And as we have heard, felt, experienced (cue the brilliant Similac video https://youtu.be/Me9yrREXOj4) parenting is a competitive sport. Why us women think keeping other women down is sport is absurd, but Mommy Wars is the parenting version of Mean Girls.

But today, on Mother's Day, it's the one out of 365 days when we have a level playing field. Today is the day when every player gets a ribbon (gasp! insert judgement about whether or not all participants should receive prizes even if they don't win). See how easy it is to judge EVERYTHING? Well let's not. For this one day.

Ladies, we can make it through one day when we only acknowledge that every single parent out there has had sleepless nights, faced tantrums, cried over spilled breast milk, not been able to get a stroller to collapse or maybe not been able to get a car seat out of a car, peed with a child on your lap, forgotten a wallet and not realized until the grocery store cashier tells you what you owe, faced a diaper blow-out in public and kissed boo boos among many, many, so so many other things.

And for those who aren't parents but are part of the team, today is the day when I give thanks to you for keeping me honest and keeping it real. For reminding me of all the declarative statements I made about parenting before becoming a parent. For not allowing me to ramble (too much) about my kids, but for indulging me when you know I need to talk, share, brag, vent. For giving me advice woman to woman and reminding me that who I am in any relationship is the same person I should be in my role as a mom.

Happy Mother's Day!

46 Reasons Why My Three Year Old Might Be Freaking Out

This is not original content and I thank Jason Good for creating this painfully accurate list of 46 reasons why a child might be freaking out.

http://jasongood.net/365/2012/12/46-reasons-why-my-three-year-old-might-be-freaking-out/

If you can imagine the response/reaction of an 18-month old, not a three year old, you have entered my life.

May you be grateful that none of these things ring true or may you, too, be grateful that Jason Good knows your pain!

Milestones. Pregnancy is the New Wedding

Becoming a parent is a life milestone that you're supposed to come at with excitement, joy, love, and even promise of a better tomorrow. Sounds a lot to me like how a person is expected to enter marriage. So to me, this means pregnancy is like an engagement - a time to adjust to and begin accepting the imminent life changes that each life milestone will bring.

During a pregnancy and engagement, you spend months reading books, looking at magazines and trolling Pinterest and the Internet for information and ideas.  You see smiling faces, read stories about things you vow you'll never try or do, and get some ideas/tips for how to tackle the endless list of all the "best" things you can do to have the happiest baby/wedding - not only on the block - but that anyone you know has ever seen.

So there you are, drowning in information and realizing that you have a lot of choices to make. Choices that seem daunting -- white, off white, ecru? -- swing or bouncer? -- and you become emotionally invested in these decisions as if these are the things that are going to define your wedding or parenting experience. It feels very real as these are some of the first choices you're making as a wife or parent.

You make your choices and feel proud about what you've created -- a dream wedding/a dream nursery -- and you wait anxiously for the day to arrive when you get to enjoy your creation. You are showered by friends and family and listen patiently as free advice is poured upon you, as are stories that fill your heart and stories that break your heart. You look at your "village people" and aren't quite entirely sure why you'll need an entire village to thrive in life, but the most consistent free advice you've received is that you need a village. Trust me, you do. And if you don't have a village, I promise that any close friend will lend you theirs. It's like a smoker who will always share cigarettes...Someone who has a village and knows its value will share theirs with a person who doesn't have one.

The day has come. As you walk down the aisle (or are wheeled into labor and delivery) you are keenly aware that this moment will define you. Your identity will be altered by adding a non-paying role to your resume --- that of wife or mother. (The roles aren't non-paying because they aren't worthy of a paycheck, but rather that there's not a price tag you can put on either one).

You're now a mother. You're now a wife. In both circumstances you're now responsible for another human being. And you suddenly think, How did I get here?

As a parent, you may be one of the lucky ones who coast into motherhood with ease. Leaving the house is easy, breast feeding is a cinch, and your baby naturally falls into a great sleep routine. For the majority of mothers, though, the transition is hard. Like on your wedding day, as a new mother, when something goes awry, it feels like the day is ruined. You are finally ready to leave the house with the baby, but that day the baby won't nap, won't eat, had a total diaper blowout right after being strapped into the car seat. You aren't able to leave the house and you suddenly feel like a failure. But what you really need to do is make a new plan and accept that this is parenthood -- starving for predictability and routine, but living with constant change.

It's something brides hear all the time when something at a wedding goes awry -- "No one knows that something is missing or didn't go as planned...only you know because you planned it." It's true. A dance, toast, bouquet toss or cake cutting happened out of order and you feel like the event was a failure. It wasn't. It isn't. It doesn't mean you aren't entitled to feel disappointed, but it does mean that it was nothing more than a missed moment that only you know was missed. And that, my friend, is a life long lesson. Letting go of things you can't change and not internalizing things that don't define you. And as for those fears about whether or not people liked your dress, hair and make-up, venue, flowers, cake, band or DJ, first dance, food, etc.... Guess what? People just want you to be happy and they want to have a good time. The people in your village are the people who should be at your wedding. And no one in your village shows up to judge.

Throughout parenthood, much like on your wedding day, you may feel like people are judging -- "OMG, look at her kid throw that tantrum! I would never allow my child to act that way."  But the reality is that no one is judging you or your child. They may be glad it's not their child, but they aren't judging a crying kid. That would be like judging a dog that pees on a fire hydrant. It's part of the great cliches in life. Embrace them. It will make life a lot easier. And if someone does give you that all-knowing glance or stare, simply say, "And I've bet you've never heard a baby cry." and flash a shit eating grin.

There will come a day when you look back on your pregnancy or engagement and realize how little you knew about what was ahead. And it's in that moment when you'll realize just how far you've come.

Milestones

Becoming a parent is a life milestone that you're supposed to come at with excitement, joy, love, and even promise of a better tomorrow. Sounds a lot to me like how a person is expected to enter marriage. So to me, this means pregnancy is like an engagement - a time to adjust to and begin accepting the imminent life changes that each life milestone will bring.

During a pregnancy and engagement, you spend months reading books, looking at magazines and trolling Pinterest and the Internet for information and ideas.  You see smiling faces, read stories about things you vow you'll never try or do, and get some ideas/tips for how to tackle the endless list of all the "best" things you can do to have the happiest baby/wedding - not only on the block - but that anyone you know has ever seen.

So there you are, drowning in information and realizing that you have a lot of choices to make. Choices that seem daunting -- white, off white, ecru? -- swing or bouncer? -- and you become emotionally invested in these decisions as if these are the things that are going to define your wedding or parenting experience. It feels very real as these are some of the first choices you're making as a wife or parent.

You make your choices and feel proud about what you've created -- a dream wedding/a dream nursery -- and you wait anxiously for the day to arrive when you get to enjoy your creation. You are showered by friends and family and listen patiently as free advice is poured upon you, as are stories that fill your heart and stories that break your heart. You look at your "village people" and aren't quite entirely sure why you'll need an entire village to thrive in life, but the most consistent free advice you've received is that you need a village. Trust me, you do. And if you don't have a village, I promise that any close friend will lend you theirs. It's like a smoker who will always share cigarettes...Someone who has a village and knows its value will share theirs with a person who doesn't have one.

The day has come. As you walk down the aisle (or are wheeled into labor and delivery) you are keenly aware that this moment will define you. Your identity will be altered by adding a non-paying role to your resume --- that of wife or mother. (The roles aren't non-paying because they aren't worthy of a paycheck, but rather that there's not a price tag you can put on either one).

You're now a mother. You're now a wife. In both circumstances you're now responsible for another human being. And you suddenly think, How did I get here?

As a parent, you may be one of the lucky ones who coast into motherhood with ease. Leaving the house is easy, breast feeding is a cinch, and your baby naturally falls into a great sleep routine. For the majority of mothers, though, the transition is hard. Like on your wedding day, as a new mother, when something goes awry, it feels like the day is ruined. You are finally ready to leave the house with the baby, but that day the baby won't nap, won't eat, had a total diaper blowout right after being strapped into the car seat. You aren't able to leave the house and you suddenly feel like a failure. But what you really need to do is make a new plan and accept that this is parenthood -- starving for predictability and routine, but living with constant change.

It's something brides hear all the time when something at a wedding goes awry -- "No one knows that something is missing or didn't go as planned...only you know because you planned it." It's true. A dance, toast, bouquet toss or cake cutting happened out of order and you feel like the event was a failure. It wasn't. It isn't. It doesn't mean you aren't entitled to feel disappointed, but it does mean that it was nothing more than a missed moment that only you know was missed. And that, my friend, is a life long lesson. Letting go of things you can't change and not internalizing things that don't define you. And as for those fears about whether or not people liked your dress, hair and make-up, venue, flowers, cake, band or DJ, first dance, food, etc.... Guess what? People just want you to be happy and they want to have a good time. The people in your village are the people who should be at your wedding. And no one in your village shows up to judge.

Throughout parenthood, much like on your wedding day, you may feel like people are judging -- "OMG, look at her kid throw that tantrum! I would never allow my child to act that way."  But the reality is that no one is judging you or your child. They may be glad it's not their child, but they aren't judging a crying kid. That would be like judging a dog that pees on a fire hydrant. It's part of the great cliches in life. Embrace them. It will make life a lot easier. And if someone does give you that all-knowing glance or stare, simply say, "And I've bet you've never heard a baby cry." and flash a shit eating grin.

There will come a day when you look back on your pregnancy or engagement and realize how little you knew about what was ahead. And it's in that moment when you'll realize just how far you've come.

The Unexpected Gift of Parenting

Of all the commonly asked questions to parents, I think my favorite one to answer is that of "What's been the biggest surprise so far?"

It's not how much work it takes to be a parent. It's not the amount of patience required. But for me, it's the enormity of love that so quickly bonds a child and parent.

Before my first child could speak, my brother said to me, "Isn't it amazing how much you love him and yet the two of you have never had a  conversation?" It was precisely in that moment when I realized there's no way to describe the type of love you share with your children. It just is love. Deep, crazy, unconditional, want to put you in my pocket and take you with me everywhere kind of love.

It is a strange thing how the relationship happens. For me, I prayed and hoped and planned and used fertility treatments to conceive. Once I learned I was pregnant, I felt bonded to the little person inside me and yet when I met my son I thought, "It's you?! Had I known it would be you, I would have been even more excited." It's as if, in that second that you hold your baby, you can't possibly imagine that your child could have been different in any tiny way. This person is "the" person as intended. 

And then the baby goes to the nursery and each time the nurse would wheel him back into my room to eat, I would think, "Ah, it's you again. You complete stranger who I honestly couldn't pick out of a line-up of equally chubby and bald babies. Yep, it's you. Thank God for you."

So you love this little person who literally can't survive without your love and care. Perhaps that's what makes the bond so strong. Your child has given you purpose. A deep and meaningful purpose with a dose of humility to boot. 

And then comes the smiling, laughter, playfulness and separation anxiety that makes you feel both deeply loved and horribly sad because you do have to just let them cry sometimes. After that.... the walking. Like a little drunk person who is on a mission, they follow, fall, get back up and keep on going. And then one day they start talking. And they don't stop. They won't stop.

As time passes, you get into a groove and schedule and feel like a kick-ass parent who may not have it all figured out, but you have enough figured out to feel good for the time being. Then your child changes, as do their needs, their routine and your life. So you get on a new schedule and alas you're in the cycle of parenthood. Figure it out. It changes. Adapt. Repeat.

For all the times you don't want your child to see you stressed or nervous or sad, inevitably one day you will shed a tear. I honestly didn't know if it was healthy to cry in front of my kids or if it would cause them to stress and worry. Does that sound crazy? Such a strange thing, right, to think about how I want and encourage my kids to show the full spectrum of emotions and to share them and talk with me about their feelings. And yet for me, it felt like I was failing as a mom if my kids saw me cry, as if it should be a dark and hidden secret. Well, one day I just broke and what came next rocked my world. My son gave me a hug and said, "Don't cry, Mommy. It's all going to be alright." And with that it was.

What's the most surprising thing about parenthood is the love and bond. But the most unexpected gift is that my children give back the love I give to them. I wouldn't have ever asked for it or expected to be comforted by their words or hugs, but there's absolutely nothing in the world that can beat it.

The Best Test. Ready to Be a Parent?

This is not my original content, so I take no credit. And if I could find the original author, would praise this person for their brilliance and humor.  This is genius and hilarious and for those reasons, worth sharing.   I found this 11 Step Program to Prepare You For Parenthood online and it made me laugh so hard that my laughter was silent.  And that's a good laugh. These 11 Steps should be included in every "What to Expect" and baby preparation book ever written.

Enjoy and Good Luck!


11 STEP PROGRAM TO PREPARE YOU FOR PARENTHOOD

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet 
    training, table manners and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to
10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner.)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM, make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be     
    productive).

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
1. Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. 
2. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. 

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

Lesson 9
1. Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies and Pokemon. 
2. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking, What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
`. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four-second delay between each ‘mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). 
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. 

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice. 
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. 

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


(I’d love to know who wrote this so I can credit her! Or him.)

If We Took Our Own Advice

Have you ever thought about the lessons we teach our kids, but that we ourselves don't obeyed by?

As my son hits the age when parenting evolves from just the responsibility of keeping a person alive to teaching them to be a good person, there are a lot of reflective moments. If, of course, you're willing to stop and reflect. Candidly, it wasn't until recently - when I was doling some advice out to my son that I myself actually needed - that I realized I don't heed my own advice. 

And with that, I naturally begin with, "Always stop and smell the roses." It's in Reece's baby book. The day I first said this and did this with him. One of the most cliche sayings of all time, and yet one of life's great lessons. Stop. Look around. Take in the beauty of life. Why and how did life become so busy and so important that we overlook the most simple and beautiful things? And if you won't take it from me, the modernized version of this lesson is perfectly said by our dear Ferris Bueller. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

"Love the skin you're in." God, wouldn't it be great if we all were able to do just that? To a child, it is that simple. "Mommy said I should love myself, so I do." To my children, it's that simple. It's us adults who mess it up. It's us who tell our children one thing and promote, advertise, buy, sell, perpetuate a different standard. Why?! Wouldn't it be great if we too just loved ourselves? And one of the great gifts of having a young child is that appearance is completely irrelevant. You child doesn't care if you had your hair and make-up professionally done or if you're at the playground in your pajamas. #heaven. #dovecampaign

"Just worry about yourself. Don't worry about what your friends are doing." I cringed every time my parents said this to me and when I say this to my kids I will absolutely be thinking "So now I've officially turned into my mother." (no offense mom. I love you dearly). But how in the world do you worry only about yourself when it's the comparison of you to others that creates all the social hierarchies that start in school and follow you into adulthood? I thank my lucky stars that social media did NOT exist when I was in school. #gladtobeold

There are a countless articles about how we should talk to our daughters about their bodies. Thank goodness for those penned pieces as I will be reading all of them when the time comes. I just wish I could freeze this age - for the parents out there you know what I'm talking about. The age when after your child eats or drinks their belly is distended and sticks out as if they have a beer gut. They care nothing about it and as a parent you're proud because you did your job. You provided what filled their belly. 

And the ultimate rule of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Well I think we can thank social media for crushing any hopes of this lesson being one that stays with our kids past the age of 10. But wouldn't it be great if it were that easy? There wouldn't be cliques, bullying, etc. Mean Girls would just be Lindsay Lohan's last big hit, not an actual description of middle and high school girls.

I suppose the biggest challenge of all is that for every person who provides advice about what to say, there's an "expert" with an opposite point of view. So where does that leave us? Where I stand, it leaves me hoping and praying that I have enough self awareness and humility to admit to the many ways I want my kids to be better than me.

Insert enormous sigh as I have reminded myself of the enormity of the role of parent.

Never Have I Ever...

Created by kaylammelo, May 11 2013

Remember this gem of a drinking game? The ultimate social ice breaker that exposes both your freak factor and how well you can handle your booze?

The parenthood version of this game, similar to its collegiate counterpart, exposes your truths and freak factor. And let's be honest, for some of these things, you don't have to be a parent. You just have to have once been really drunk.

Never have I ever....

1. Been peed, pooped and/or puked on. 
2. Used my hands to catch someones puke. 
3. Picked my kids' noses. 
4. Ordered two Happy Meals at McDonald's. One for my kid and one for me. (Yes, I feed my child McDonald's. Judge away).
5. Walked around my house drinking coffee from a to-go cup even though I wasn't going anywhere. 
6. Fallen asleep before my kids. 
7. Peed with a child on my lap. 
8. Peed with a child on my lap and another child just watching. 
9. Hidden in the closet just to have 30 seconds to myself. (because clearly, hiding in the bathroom isn't an option in my house)
10. Let my toddler walk off with an uncapped marker just to see what would happen. 
11. Saved birthday cake with the sole intention of eating it late night, not keeping it for the kids.
12. Used my child to get out of a ticket (parking or speeding). 
13. Taken my sweet-ass time to find a child while playing hide-n-seek. 
14. Allowed my son to ride his scooter naked - but with a helmet - because I wasn't up for arguing about what he would wear. 
15. Decided the five second rule should be extended to five minutes when at home. 
16. Laughed when my child fell down.  *He wasn't hurt and I didn't laugh in his face. I just think it's generally hilarious when people fall down.
17. Eaten Play Doh just to see what all the hype is about. 
18. Imitated my child's tantrum in hopes of him/her realizing just how ridiculous they sound and look. *No shocker here that this experiment failed horribly.
19. Seriously contemplated reading the book, "Go the F-ck to Sleep" to my child.
20. Lied to my child about what happens when a child lies while reprimanding him for lying. #notmyfinestmoment.

So tell me....what have you done?!