Food Bullies. Going Nuts Over School Food Policies.

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"We have a nut allergy in our class."

Whether this is a statement announced at back to school night, a letter or email issued to parents from a teacher or a sign posted outside your child's classroom, inevitably, or so it seems, the parents of the children who do not have the allergy sigh heavily, roll eyes, mumble something to themselves and later complain to a sympathetic ear that "Ugh. There's a nut allergy in the class. This is so annoying."

To all the parents and caregivers who are annoyed that some schools establish nut-free policies, I'm sorry. Genuinely. I get it. I was once you. I understand that any added inconvenience when it comes to getting kids to eat meals and having to prepare food other than what your child may prefer is annoying. I know that not being able to just grab any type of cupcake or cake for your child's in class birthday celebration usually requires an extra trip to a store you may not frequent. I recognize that you may feel that my child's allergy is becoming your problem and that's annoying. But I prefer you being annoyed to my child being dead.

I could go on and on and surely back and forth with other parents about the pros and cons of nut policies. As someone who doesn't believe in their absolute effectiveness, I assure you I'm not just on one side of the conversation. And I am very aware of the arguments and validity over concerns and sensitivities surrounding children with diabetes, parents who choose not to immunize their kids and needs to properly honor religious customs. Again, I don't sit on just one side of the policy and recognize that there are issues beyond nuts that aren't addressed. But regardless of the policy the biggest thing missing from the conversation is the child who has the allergy. The driver of the policy is the one with the smallest voice.

To my surprise, I've learned that it's not uncommon for schools to separate children with food allergies from other children at meal time. The same strategy for disciplining kids - putting them in time out or in isolation from the group - is the same strategy implemented for food allergies. So those who misbehave and those who have allergies are treated the same. My child feels punished for something he didn't do. We've traded a policy intended to keep children physically safe for a policy that socially alienates children.

Think about all the books, TV shows and movies we've all seen about the social dynamics of lunch time in schools and then imagine those dynamics starting at the age of four. From a young age through adulthood, meal time is a social time. It's a time when we interact with one another. For children at school, it's a time to talk with friends, meet new friends, laugh and swap stories and participate in the social aspects of meal time. Unless of course you have a food allergy and your table is chosen. And in the worst cases, this means your child could be eating alone or that he or she may be the "brown-noser" who eats with the teacher. In any case, these children are identified as different and by all measures, ripe for teasing.

Handled properly, we read stories such as this one When A Teachers Email About My Sons Food Allergies Made Me Cry. It's a heartwarming moment for a mother of a child with severe food allergies who otherwise is virtually always excluded from classroom celebrations that involve food, and a teacher's sensitivity to wanting that child to feel more included. This is the rare exception, however, or so it seems. What feels more like the norm is Dear Teacher of My Food Allergic Child in which a parent of a child with food allergies pens a letter to the teacher of her daughter explaining that the ways she is excluded from the class and alienated because of her food allergies has completely diminished the positives of attending school.

While having a child with a food allergy in the same class with your non-allergic child may feel like a nuisance, think about how little is asked of you to keep the allergic child safe. One meal a day at schools where parents pack a lunch. That's it. As the parent of a child with food allergies, I don't make any special requests at play dates or birthday parties. I know to pack an extra meal, specific snacks or a substitute treat in case my child can't eat what is being served.  And my child doesn't cry when there's a cake he can't eat. He doesn't whimper when there's a snack he can't have. He knows his allergy is serious and it's important to make safe choices. So, if a four year old can handle the burden of a life with food allergies, why does it seem like adults have such a hard time?

The thing about food allergies and children is that it's not all about the allergy, but it's about how we react to them and how that is what affects the child. It's heartbreaking that it's not enough to worry about my child's safety, but that I need to worry that adults won't create an environment in which he's bullied for it.