Little Liar

I've refrained from pluralizing liar out of respect for the parents out there who have children who don't lie. Dare I make the blanket statement that all two year olds are liars. But below are some of the best I've heard.

Q) "Reece, did you poop?" 
A) "No."
Lie. My question was rhetorical. I asked as a courtesy. A courtesy he didn't extend before taking a stinky dump and walking around like nothing happened."

Q) "Reece, did you have fun today?"
A) "No."
Lie. He watched TV, ate, played, ate, napped, ate, played, ate. That routine makes everyone happy.

Q) "Reece, do you want pizza for dinner?"
A)  "Yes."
Lie. He asked "where's hot dog?" when the pizza hit his plate.

Q) "Reece, do you want a brother or sister?"
A) "Sister."
Lie. When asked in reverse order, he says brother.

Q) "Reece, are you tired?"
A) "No."
Lie. See photo. While laying on the kitchen floor about to fall asleep, he was still adamant about not being tired.

Q) "Did you take his/her toy?"
A) "No."
Lie. Child left sans-toy is in screaming fit of rage over Reece, the toy-snatcher.

Q) "Did you just pour your drink all over the floor?"
A) "No."
Lie. Sorry dude, but you don't have any siblings you can pin this one on. It was all you.

Q) "Did you color the sofa with your crayons?"
A) "No."
Lie. See above.

Q) "Why are you wet? Were you just playing in the toilet?"
A) "No."
Lie. Evidence in the form of toy monster truck found in bottom of toilet bowl.

Q) "Did you feed the dog your snack?"
A) "No."
Lie. Dog just puked it up.

If I Were 2 Years Old

1) I would sleep more

2) I wouldn't have to get up to pee in the middle of the night

3) I would never have to empty the dishwasher, wash dishes, start a bath, do the laundry, pay the bills

4) I would play all day

5) I would watch Elmo all day

6) I would play while watching Elmo

7) I would walk around pressing every button I could reach

8) I would take your phone and hide it so I could use it whenever I want

9) I would chase birds

10) I would eat a lot of Pirate's Booty

11) I would chase squirrels

12) I would eat a lot of french fries and fruit snacks

13) I would chase fire trucks, police cars, ambulances and anything with a siren

14) I would ask someone to carry me instead of walking

15) I would always make the driver of the car play the music I want to listen to. Alternately, I would scream until the music played

16) I would only take baths with the perfect temperature water, toys, bubbles and color fizzy tablets

17) Instead of reading, I would have someone read to me

18) I wouldn't work

20) If I didn't like the food served to me, I would throw it on the floor

21) If I didn't like my drink, I would pour it on the floor

22) If I didn't like you, I would bite you

23) If biting didn't work, I would kick you

24) I would let the dog out of the cage.

25) I would overfeed the fish just because feeding fish is fun

26) I would leave toys outside overnight

27) I would laugh for most of my day

28) I would nap after lunch everyday

29) I wouldn't go to school

30) I would never apologize for farting in public

Oh, how it's great to be 2!

Parent for Hire

My son is asleep and I'm back online for work trying to stay on top of a few projects. As I think about my job at the office, I am suddenly distracted by trying to figure out what a job description for being a parent would look like.

And what would it look like if my son wrote it?

Let the games begin.

Wanted.
Adult who isn't too old to play, but not too young and texts all the time (I hate when people use the phone around me and then tell me I can't have a turn. Learn to share. You're supposed to be a grown up). Must love Elmo, Thomas, construction sites and vehicles of all varieties. Must remain quiet while I drink milk and watch Elmo in the morning. Must be outdoorsy and know all animal sounds. Must enjoy making the "beep beep beep" sound trucks make when moving in reverse. Must love apple juice, meats that come in the shape of balls, chips with humus and cookies. Must enjoy a good wrestling match because I hate having my diaper changed. Must be able to function at peak performance with minimal sleep. Must desire job with zero privacy, no breaks, no performance feedback, no hope for promotion or raise or change of title.


Now. If I were to write it....

Wanted.
Adult with equal parts common sense and street sense to dedicate entire life to a three foot tall sweetie/terror. Responsibilities include life safety, education, socialization, fun, laughter, hugs and cuddles and boundary setting. Requirements include lack of experience because you'll need the element of surprise to keep you on your toes. And you will want to claim to "have had no idea THAT (whatever that is) could happen.” Preferably someone who isn't squeamish around poop or vomit. Loves laundry and cleaning, cooking for the world's pickiest eater. Requires very little sleep or personal time. Prefers going to the bathroom with a child observing all that's happening.

###

So, what do you think I forgot in the job post?! Would love to hear what you think!

The Art of Manipulation

I know I have a two year old because the artist of manipulation is now my son. Gone are my days as the Picasso of manipulation. Hello Rembrandt.

For the past three nights, Reece has told me that he's hungry before bed. So, we have a snack about an hour before bed and I top off his milk with a little extra. Well, low and behold, the sleep terrorist who HATES being left to cry it out in his bed at night, has now crafted a plan by which he is getting enough milk that he falls asleep before finishing it while being held by me. Hmmmm...... I see a future of him breathing into the glass of water and having to pee A LOT before finally climbing into bed. Lucky me.

And when it comes to naps, Reece is keen to use the lines that I use when putting him to sleep. Several times now, he has gotten up from his bed while I'm still in his room putting him down, and walked to the door, turned back to me and said "Night night, Mommy. Be right back." and he's left the room and closed the door behind him. If only I could climb into bed for a few hours while he played quietly somewhere.

And while these things are in part both surprising to me and sweet, what's less sweet is that when it comes to something he wants, he's as motivated to get it as an alcoholic whose glass is empty is motivated to get a drink. Yes, it's that bad. He basically would risk his life to achieve his goals.

For example. To reach keys hanging on a hook in our house, Reece stacks the laptop on top of a small table so he has an extra inch and is able to reach the keys. Obsessed with putting keys in doors, he then hides said keys so we can't take them away. Nor, can we lock our doors.

Reece now refers to his highchair as a ladder, for since it's on wheels, he can move the chair to wherever he "needs" it to be, climb into it and while standing reach objects that are high enough to just be within my reach. Well done.

Reece is also a fan of feeling dizzy. A big to do in our house is spinning around until he falls. He always starts off by saying "be careful," but clearly those are empty words to a child who reminds me of the kid in the movie "Parenthood" who walks around with a bucket on his head.

Ah, the stages of development. Can't wait to see what's next.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

If I were to write a letter to myself, pre-baby, the title of this post would be the gist of that letter. In no way am I implying that moms are better than everyone else. What I am saying, though, is that whatever I did before, I can now do it better as a mom.

Now, these are not the sexiest, coolest, most enviable skills. But really, once you convert to "mom jeans" who is worried about cool?

Dishwasher. Markedly improved. I can systematically load and unload in a heartbeat. I can stack it more efficiently and empty it as if I were operating on fast forward. Boom! So proud.

Dishes. When I first started pumping, it took what felt like hours each day to hand wash parts and bottles. Now? Well, I don't want to enter one, but I would crush anyone who challenges me to a breast-pump cleaning contest.

Laundry. I can fold and put away clothes 10x faster than before I became a mom. And two years into sleep deprivation and I have only turned one load pink.

Peeing. Ready for this one? It's a gem. I can now pee comfortably with a two year old on my lap. Jealous?

The shower. I can now take a shower faster than it takes for my son to figure out that I'm in the shower and before he attempts to climb in with me, jammies and all.

Grocery shopping. Don't mess with me in the store. Don't ask me if I need help. Yes, I found what I was looking for or I'm too annoyed to talk to you about what I didn't find becauase now I need to go to another store.

Eating. I don't even think I chew anymore. Wanna dine together? Seriously, I was a fast eater before I became a mom, but the speed at which I now consume food definitely isn't acceptable. I haven't used the prongs in two years. Basically I just scoop food into my mouth and swallow. Not a goal of anyone anywhere.

Makeup. If I can't get it all on while stopped at red lights, then I don't wear it. End of story. Gone are the days of checking in the mirror that everything is blended. I now just slap it on and hope for the best.

Conversations with my husband. We communicate almost exclusively via text. Before our son, we actually spoke during mornings and evenings. Now we can say almost all we need to say in a handful of characters. Go us.

Ambidextrous. By necessity, I can now do most things with both hands. Let's face it, you've got to do what you've got to do.

So fire away! What are your "I can do it better than your pre-baby self" moments?

But Hey, Who's Counting?

Today is my son's second birthday. It both seems impossibly fast and yet incredibly slow that he's turning two today.  The time has flown, mostly in part to me still feeling like I'm in the weeds -- trying to get meal times and nap times and bedtimes right -- trying to get to work as close to on time as possible each day -- and just about always feeling like I'm coming up short in one of the many roles I have.

To all the mothers who have it together. Congratulations. To those who don't, well, maybe it will just make the second child that much easier because things won't come undone. They are already still undone from the first.

On milestones like today, I'm overwhelmed with pen in hand as I sit to write an entry in Reece's baby journal.  Like most parents, I try to capture the milestones, but sometimes find many months between entries. So today, I really need to catch up and record who he is at this time. No small feat to summarize a person who changes on what seems like an hourly basis. Now, that could be the mood swings of the terrible-twos, but based on my moodiness and his father's, it's more likely our son's personality than "just a phase."

So, what to say. What to say.  You have used almost 5000 diapers? Consumed more than 20,000 ounces of milk? Been hospitalized once for a concussion that happened on my watch? (can you sense the mommy guilt? if not...I assure you that it's there). You've been on two planes. You can tell us when you've pooped, even though most of the time you lie or pretend you didn't hear us (well done with the latter). 

It's wild to think that of all the milestones, the past two years are so huge. Not only can he hold up the weight of his own head, but he can walk. There was once a time when he didn't even know there were feet attached to his body. Two years ago, he couldn't see, hold an object or roll over. So yes, two years into life and a lot has changed.  He once couldn't chew food. Now he uses utensils and brushes his teeth.  And perhaps most importantly, he has learned the art of manipulation.  Oh, and his dreams have changed. Once a smiley infant, I'm sure dreaming of boobs, he now dreams of trucks and cars.  Boobs might make a return, but for now, it's trucks and cars.

More than anything - well, not more than my love for Reece - so more than most other things, I'm so incredibly grateful that Reece doesn't know that I'm winging it. He doesn't seem to approach me with any hesitation or doubt in my ability and though he can't yet tell me if I'm getting it right or wrong, he's giving me enough feedback that I know he loves me and he trusts me. I can comfort him just as easily as I can make him laugh. And that right there....I'll take that for two years into this wild journey.

What's Your TV Mom Personality

In parenting books, we're often asked to determine our child's personality. Based on how we categorize the child and their general disposition, we are then apparently able to modify our parenting to be most effective. 

What we're not often asked, if ever at all, is about our mom personality and how that might impact how we parent. So I got to thinking....what type of mother am I? Hmmmm..... what would make this a much more fun exercise is if the I pondered this based on TV moms.  And here you have it. An array of moms who have very different personalities. I know who I most resemble and who I aspire to be (not yet the same...work in progress over here). 

Now, what is your TV mom personality? 
The below descriptions are from our good friends at "Access Hollywood."

Morticia, "The Addams Family"
She was of course creepy and spooky, mysterious and kooky...but she wanted nothing but the best for her children. She wore nothing by black, spoke French to driver her husband crazy with desire and kept people entertained with her unusual tactics. [Personally, I think this sounds a lot like Angeline Jolie. Just sayin'.]

Claire Dunphy, "Modern Family" 
She is determined to not allow her kids to have the same wild and rebellious lifestyle she had as a teen; and in order to implement these rules she becomes a bit overbearing. Her sarcastic remarks and dry humor have landed her a spot in our hearts.

Carmela Soprano, "The Sopranos"
She is a bit complicated. She loves her children on one hand. But on the other, she sacrificed their security for the sake of the luxuries her husband's career offers. As a strong female character, she also separated from her husband and continued to provide for her children.

Marion Cunningham, "Happy Days"
She and her husband are the definition of the classic 1950's couple. She gave up her secretarial job in order to become a stay-at-home mother and take care of her children. She also acted like a pseudo mom to others.

Marge Simpson, "The Simpsons"
She is loving, thoughtful, and most of all, patient with all members of her family. She instills morals, and provides a grounding voice in the midsty of her family's antics. 

Elyse Keaton, "Family Ties"
She is the definition of a "cool" Mom. With her new agey, former hippie lifestyle, she always tried her best to bond with her kids. Elyse had the capability of showing how to love your children even under the most challenging circumstances.


June Cleaver, "Leave it to Beaver"
A typical trophy wife, June Cleaver enjoys needelpoint, cake decorating and arranging tea roses. While her youngest son has a hard time staying out of trouble, she is still nurturing, and tries her best to support her son through all of his ordeals.


Clair Huxtable, "The Cosby Show"
Loving, warm, strong and witty, Clair Huxtable is often the caring disciplinarian for her children. Her role as a pioneering, family-balancing professional was a positive one. She was a strong working mother, yet fair and loving with her children.

Tami Taylor, "Friday Night Lights"
Loving, supportive, strong, fiercely protective, she cared about her marriage as much as her children. A family oriented and full-time working mother, she made it seem possible to do it all. While a friend to her eldest daughter, she's a mother first and is equal parts disciplinarian and confidant.

Carol Brady, "The Brady Bunch"
The typical story of two parents with children from different marriages, get together and form one big, happy family. Though she chose to be a stay-at-home mother, she did much more - she was a freelance writer, a sculptor, she organized school event ans work with the PTA; she was a warm and caring mother who loved all of her six kids.  [If this show aired today, it would be a reality show. Not scripted sitcom.]