Don't Give a Toddler Red Bull. And Other Parenting Advice.

 

To be clear, his father and I did not give him this Redbull. The little burglar took the cans from the fridge. Thankfully, he couldn't open them.  And in case you aren't already aware, toddlers do not need the "wings" that Red Bull promises. Pretty sure the battery pack they come with does the trick.




When it comes to parenting advice, I'll listen to anything anyone has to share. As you can imagine, this has resulted in a combination of wonderful advice and total inappropriateness.  

Like when Tiphanie at Safeway asked when I was due and I told her I was past my due date. "Honey, I can tell you how to get that baby to come out. I chose the date my three children were all born. I just had sex three times a day for a few days in a row and the kids just popped out. I promise it will work." Um, thank you? 

Or the time someone told me that the most important thing I needed to do to prepare for motherhood was to find God. I'm pretty sure that of the 300 items TheBump.com has told me I need to do to prepare for baby, this is not one of them. But again, thank you?

So what were the helpful bits of advice? Here they are in no particular order.

"Babies are designed to survive first time parents."

"Always remember that picking a battle with a toddler is like a game of tug-of-war. Only pick up that rope if you know you're going to win."

In regard to children wanting to dress themselves when they have no business choosing outfits; "It's not like anyone is going to look at your kid and think 'I can't believe his/her mother chose that outfit." 

"Enjoy your boobs while they are huge." Why thank you. I will.

"When you're exhausted and feel like you're going crazy, remember that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Your craziness is real." Please don't ask my husband how many times I've used this line.

"Never say you're having a shitty day with an infant unless you've already been shit on that day."

"Let the fact that your child has no memory work in your favor. It's okay to let the baby cry it out, they won't remember it in the morning." 

"However long it took for you to gain the weight is how long you have to lose it." Or, as long as it takes. So take THAT Jessica Alba!

"Do not turn on each other." This mantra saved me and my husband during many sleepless nights.

"It takes a village." If you don't have one, borrow someones. It's the same philosophy of how smokers will always let another smoker bum a cigarette. A mother will always share her village. Just don't even think about taking her weekend sitter.

"Approach baby proofing as if your child's goal in life is to try to kill themselves." 

"There's no such thing as being ready to be a parent." 

"When you fly with your child or children, the general rule is this: People understand that kids may cry and by fussy. But you MUST be in a constant state of trying to end the crying and fussiness."

"If breastfeeding in public and someone stares at you. Just turn to them and say "You're welcome."  Offering the stranger some milk for their coffee is usually crossing the line.

These are the gems I have to share. What's some of the best advice you've received?