Sunday, February 3, 2013

No One Told Me

No one told me how much I would love my kid. But I suppose that's the one thing no one can convey with words.

No one told me just how gnarly a diaper pail smells. This is something someone could have conveyed to me. Just be honest. Tell me not to stress when registering for a shit locker because secrets out --- so long as you have to open it, it will always release the stench of day old poop into the air. Leaving you gasping for clean air.

No one told me that my body would never be the same, even if I tried to get back in shape. Um, this would have saved me many moments of insecurity and many dollars on pregnancy tests. Yes, you read that correctly. There were some dark days folks... Days when that little pooch had me convinced I had to be preggo. Surely I could not still have a pooch after 20 months, right? Wrong. Pregnancy test confirmed what mirror indicated. Pooch was in fact a pooch.

No one told me that although gravity indicates poop should stay down in the diaper, that it can in fact go up a child's back. Enough said on this one.

No one told me that leak proof cups are not in fact leak proof. WTF on this one. I mean really. How many times have I filled a sippy cup, properly placed it upright in the special cup holder in the diaper bag and later found the bag wet! The packaging on these cups should read "Attention parents: we did our best but we still can't get these to stop leaking."

No one told me that the smaller the child, the more crap you need. This goes for around the house and when traveling. It starts when they are a newborn. You don't just need one crib, you need three. What?! One for the nursery, one for your room, and the pack and play in the living room for quick diaper changes. Yes, you have 3 beds for a person who most likely sleeps in the large bouncer or swing that now occupy corners of your family room. But don't you worry, one day you will get rid of the swing and bouncer. Good news, right? WRONG. You will replace those things with an excersaucer (fondly also known as a neglect-a-saucer as you can leave your kid in it while you leave your kid to do other things), a jumper hanging from a doorway and a large toy to help your child learn to walk. And then the next big phase is when your child actually plays with toys. You soon find that although the little people from Little People toys are little, they only like to live in large castles, jungles and farm houses. You're welcome. So now you have one of those in your living room and probably another large contraption that pops out balls.

And then there's traveling with a kid.
Car seat. Check.
Stroller. Check.
Travel crib. Check.
Diaper bag. Check.
Toys. Check.
Monitor. Check.
Clothes, blankets, lovies, bottles, cups, snacks, treats. Check.

I'm waiting for someone to create a diaper that will hold up for an entire day of travel. On a recent trip, our flight was delayed by 4 hours. You can never have enough diapers to last through a delay. We bought some from a nice enough looking family after sizing up their kid. Gives new meaning to "it takes a village."

The list of things no one told me could go on and on. But I know what my list looks like. What's on your list?


  1. This is awesome...and you are awesomer. :)

  2. Cara: Magnificently, Hilariously, Awesomely (no time for any other adjectives I could have used b/c 2 year old is now pooping on the floor next to cat's litter box) descriptive of motherhood! I also had a bone to pick with everyone who did not HONESTLY share what it would be like to be pregnant. For all those who don't know what its like: IT SUCKS!!!!! Thanks, Cara for allowing me to feel comfortable saying this!