Little Liar

I've refrained from pluralizing liar out of respect for the parents out there who have children who don't lie. Dare I make the blanket statement that all two year olds are liars. But below are some of the best I've heard.

Q) "Reece, did you poop?" 
A) "No."
Lie. My question was rhetorical. I asked as a courtesy. A courtesy he didn't extend before taking a stinky dump and walking around like nothing happened."

Q) "Reece, did you have fun today?"
A) "No."
Lie. He watched TV, ate, played, ate, napped, ate, played, ate. That routine makes everyone happy.

Q) "Reece, do you want pizza for dinner?"
A)  "Yes."
Lie. He asked "where's hot dog?" when the pizza hit his plate.

Q) "Reece, do you want a brother or sister?"
A) "Sister."
Lie. When asked in reverse order, he says brother.

Q) "Reece, are you tired?"
A) "No."
Lie. See photo. While laying on the kitchen floor about to fall asleep, he was still adamant about not being tired.

Q) "Did you take his/her toy?"
A) "No."
Lie. Child left sans-toy is in screaming fit of rage over Reece, the toy-snatcher.

Q) "Did you just pour your drink all over the floor?"
A) "No."
Lie. Sorry dude, but you don't have any siblings you can pin this one on. It was all you.

Q) "Did you color the sofa with your crayons?"
A) "No."
Lie. See above.

Q) "Why are you wet? Were you just playing in the toilet?"
A) "No."
Lie. Evidence in the form of toy monster truck found in bottom of toilet bowl.

Q) "Did you feed the dog your snack?"
A) "No."
Lie. Dog just puked it up.

If I Were 2 Years Old

1) I would sleep more

2) I wouldn't have to get up to pee in the middle of the night

3) I would never have to empty the dishwasher, wash dishes, start a bath, do the laundry, pay the bills

4) I would play all day

5) I would watch Elmo all day

6) I would play while watching Elmo

7) I would walk around pressing every button I could reach

8) I would take your phone and hide it so I could use it whenever I want

9) I would chase birds

10) I would eat a lot of Pirate's Booty

11) I would chase squirrels

12) I would eat a lot of french fries and fruit snacks

13) I would chase fire trucks, police cars, ambulances and anything with a siren

14) I would ask someone to carry me instead of walking

15) I would always make the driver of the car play the music I want to listen to. Alternately, I would scream until the music played

16) I would only take baths with the perfect temperature water, toys, bubbles and color fizzy tablets

17) Instead of reading, I would have someone read to me

18) I wouldn't work

20) If I didn't like the food served to me, I would throw it on the floor

21) If I didn't like my drink, I would pour it on the floor

22) If I didn't like you, I would bite you

23) If biting didn't work, I would kick you

24) I would let the dog out of the cage.

25) I would overfeed the fish just because feeding fish is fun

26) I would leave toys outside overnight

27) I would laugh for most of my day

28) I would nap after lunch everyday

29) I wouldn't go to school

30) I would never apologize for farting in public

Oh, how it's great to be 2!

Parent for Hire

My son is asleep and I'm back online for work trying to stay on top of a few projects. As I think about my job at the office, I am suddenly distracted by trying to figure out what a job description for being a parent would look like.

And what would it look like if my son wrote it?

Let the games begin.

Wanted.
Adult who isn't too old to play, but not too young and texts all the time (I hate when people use the phone around me and then tell me I can't have a turn. Learn to share. You're supposed to be a grown up). Must love Elmo, Thomas, construction sites and vehicles of all varieties. Must remain quiet while I drink milk and watch Elmo in the morning. Must be outdoorsy and know all animal sounds. Must enjoy making the "beep beep beep" sound trucks make when moving in reverse. Must love apple juice, meats that come in the shape of balls, chips with humus and cookies. Must enjoy a good wrestling match because I hate having my diaper changed. Must be able to function at peak performance with minimal sleep. Must desire job with zero privacy, no breaks, no performance feedback, no hope for promotion or raise or change of title.


Now. If I were to write it....

Wanted.
Adult with equal parts common sense and street sense to dedicate entire life to a three foot tall sweetie/terror. Responsibilities include life safety, education, socialization, fun, laughter, hugs and cuddles and boundary setting. Requirements include lack of experience because you'll need the element of surprise to keep you on your toes. And you will want to claim to "have had no idea THAT (whatever that is) could happen.” Preferably someone who isn't squeamish around poop or vomit. Loves laundry and cleaning, cooking for the world's pickiest eater. Requires very little sleep or personal time. Prefers going to the bathroom with a child observing all that's happening.

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So, what do you think I forgot in the job post?! Would love to hear what you think!