The Art of Manipulation

I know I have a two year old because the artist of manipulation is now my son. Gone are my days as the Picasso of manipulation. Hello Rembrandt.

For the past three nights, Reece has told me that he's hungry before bed. So, we have a snack about an hour before bed and I top off his milk with a little extra. Well, low and behold, the sleep terrorist who HATES being left to cry it out in his bed at night, has now crafted a plan by which he is getting enough milk that he falls asleep before finishing it while being held by me. Hmmmm...... I see a future of him breathing into the glass of water and having to pee A LOT before finally climbing into bed. Lucky me.

And when it comes to naps, Reece is keen to use the lines that I use when putting him to sleep. Several times now, he has gotten up from his bed while I'm still in his room putting him down, and walked to the door, turned back to me and said "Night night, Mommy. Be right back." and he's left the room and closed the door behind him. If only I could climb into bed for a few hours while he played quietly somewhere.

And while these things are in part both surprising to me and sweet, what's less sweet is that when it comes to something he wants, he's as motivated to get it as an alcoholic whose glass is empty is motivated to get a drink. Yes, it's that bad. He basically would risk his life to achieve his goals.

For example. To reach keys hanging on a hook in our house, Reece stacks the laptop on top of a small table so he has an extra inch and is able to reach the keys. Obsessed with putting keys in doors, he then hides said keys so we can't take them away. Nor, can we lock our doors.

Reece now refers to his highchair as a ladder, for since it's on wheels, he can move the chair to wherever he "needs" it to be, climb into it and while standing reach objects that are high enough to just be within my reach. Well done.

Reece is also a fan of feeling dizzy. A big to do in our house is spinning around until he falls. He always starts off by saying "be careful," but clearly those are empty words to a child who reminds me of the kid in the movie "Parenthood" who walks around with a bucket on his head.

Ah, the stages of development. Can't wait to see what's next.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

If I were to write a letter to myself, pre-baby, the title of this post would be the gist of that letter. In no way am I implying that moms are better than everyone else. What I am saying, though, is that whatever I did before, I can now do it better as a mom.

Now, these are not the sexiest, coolest, most enviable skills. But really, once you convert to "mom jeans" who is worried about cool?

Dishwasher. Markedly improved. I can systematically load and unload in a heartbeat. I can stack it more efficiently and empty it as if I were operating on fast forward. Boom! So proud.

Dishes. When I first started pumping, it took what felt like hours each day to hand wash parts and bottles. Now? Well, I don't want to enter one, but I would crush anyone who challenges me to a breast-pump cleaning contest.

Laundry. I can fold and put away clothes 10x faster than before I became a mom. And two years into sleep deprivation and I have only turned one load pink.

Peeing. Ready for this one? It's a gem. I can now pee comfortably with a two year old on my lap. Jealous?

The shower. I can now take a shower faster than it takes for my son to figure out that I'm in the shower and before he attempts to climb in with me, jammies and all.

Grocery shopping. Don't mess with me in the store. Don't ask me if I need help. Yes, I found what I was looking for or I'm too annoyed to talk to you about what I didn't find becauase now I need to go to another store.

Eating. I don't even think I chew anymore. Wanna dine together? Seriously, I was a fast eater before I became a mom, but the speed at which I now consume food definitely isn't acceptable. I haven't used the prongs in two years. Basically I just scoop food into my mouth and swallow. Not a goal of anyone anywhere.

Makeup. If I can't get it all on while stopped at red lights, then I don't wear it. End of story. Gone are the days of checking in the mirror that everything is blended. I now just slap it on and hope for the best.

Conversations with my husband. We communicate almost exclusively via text. Before our son, we actually spoke during mornings and evenings. Now we can say almost all we need to say in a handful of characters. Go us.

Ambidextrous. By necessity, I can now do most things with both hands. Let's face it, you've got to do what you've got to do.

So fire away! What are your "I can do it better than your pre-baby self" moments?

But Hey, Who's Counting?

Today is my son's second birthday. It both seems impossibly fast and yet incredibly slow that he's turning two today.  The time has flown, mostly in part to me still feeling like I'm in the weeds -- trying to get meal times and nap times and bedtimes right -- trying to get to work as close to on time as possible each day -- and just about always feeling like I'm coming up short in one of the many roles I have.

To all the mothers who have it together. Congratulations. To those who don't, well, maybe it will just make the second child that much easier because things won't come undone. They are already still undone from the first.

On milestones like today, I'm overwhelmed with pen in hand as I sit to write an entry in Reece's baby journal.  Like most parents, I try to capture the milestones, but sometimes find many months between entries. So today, I really need to catch up and record who he is at this time. No small feat to summarize a person who changes on what seems like an hourly basis. Now, that could be the mood swings of the terrible-twos, but based on my moodiness and his father's, it's more likely our son's personality than "just a phase."

So, what to say. What to say.  You have used almost 5000 diapers? Consumed more than 20,000 ounces of milk? Been hospitalized once for a concussion that happened on my watch? (can you sense the mommy guilt? if not...I assure you that it's there). You've been on two planes. You can tell us when you've pooped, even though most of the time you lie or pretend you didn't hear us (well done with the latter). 

It's wild to think that of all the milestones, the past two years are so huge. Not only can he hold up the weight of his own head, but he can walk. There was once a time when he didn't even know there were feet attached to his body. Two years ago, he couldn't see, hold an object or roll over. So yes, two years into life and a lot has changed.  He once couldn't chew food. Now he uses utensils and brushes his teeth.  And perhaps most importantly, he has learned the art of manipulation.  Oh, and his dreams have changed. Once a smiley infant, I'm sure dreaming of boobs, he now dreams of trucks and cars.  Boobs might make a return, but for now, it's trucks and cars.

More than anything - well, not more than my love for Reece - so more than most other things, I'm so incredibly grateful that Reece doesn't know that I'm winging it. He doesn't seem to approach me with any hesitation or doubt in my ability and though he can't yet tell me if I'm getting it right or wrong, he's giving me enough feedback that I know he loves me and he trusts me. I can comfort him just as easily as I can make him laugh. And that right there....I'll take that for two years into this wild journey.

What's Your TV Mom Personality

In parenting books, we're often asked to determine our child's personality. Based on how we categorize the child and their general disposition, we are then apparently able to modify our parenting to be most effective. 

What we're not often asked, if ever at all, is about our mom personality and how that might impact how we parent. So I got to thinking....what type of mother am I? Hmmmm..... what would make this a much more fun exercise is if the I pondered this based on TV moms.  And here you have it. An array of moms who have very different personalities. I know who I most resemble and who I aspire to be (not yet the same...work in progress over here). 

Now, what is your TV mom personality? 
The below descriptions are from our good friends at "Access Hollywood."

Morticia, "The Addams Family"
She was of course creepy and spooky, mysterious and kooky...but she wanted nothing but the best for her children. She wore nothing by black, spoke French to driver her husband crazy with desire and kept people entertained with her unusual tactics. [Personally, I think this sounds a lot like Angeline Jolie. Just sayin'.]

Claire Dunphy, "Modern Family" 
She is determined to not allow her kids to have the same wild and rebellious lifestyle she had as a teen; and in order to implement these rules she becomes a bit overbearing. Her sarcastic remarks and dry humor have landed her a spot in our hearts.

Carmela Soprano, "The Sopranos"
She is a bit complicated. She loves her children on one hand. But on the other, she sacrificed their security for the sake of the luxuries her husband's career offers. As a strong female character, she also separated from her husband and continued to provide for her children.

Marion Cunningham, "Happy Days"
She and her husband are the definition of the classic 1950's couple. She gave up her secretarial job in order to become a stay-at-home mother and take care of her children. She also acted like a pseudo mom to others.

Marge Simpson, "The Simpsons"
She is loving, thoughtful, and most of all, patient with all members of her family. She instills morals, and provides a grounding voice in the midsty of her family's antics. 

Elyse Keaton, "Family Ties"
She is the definition of a "cool" Mom. With her new agey, former hippie lifestyle, she always tried her best to bond with her kids. Elyse had the capability of showing how to love your children even under the most challenging circumstances.


June Cleaver, "Leave it to Beaver"
A typical trophy wife, June Cleaver enjoys needelpoint, cake decorating and arranging tea roses. While her youngest son has a hard time staying out of trouble, she is still nurturing, and tries her best to support her son through all of his ordeals.


Clair Huxtable, "The Cosby Show"
Loving, warm, strong and witty, Clair Huxtable is often the caring disciplinarian for her children. Her role as a pioneering, family-balancing professional was a positive one. She was a strong working mother, yet fair and loving with her children.

Tami Taylor, "Friday Night Lights"
Loving, supportive, strong, fiercely protective, she cared about her marriage as much as her children. A family oriented and full-time working mother, she made it seem possible to do it all. While a friend to her eldest daughter, she's a mother first and is equal parts disciplinarian and confidant.

Carol Brady, "The Brady Bunch"
The typical story of two parents with children from different marriages, get together and form one big, happy family. Though she chose to be a stay-at-home mother, she did much more - she was a freelance writer, a sculptor, she organized school event ans work with the PTA; she was a warm and caring mother who loved all of her six kids.  [If this show aired today, it would be a reality show. Not scripted sitcom.]

Yo-Yo Parenting

Dear Parents,

Whatever you've done. You've done it wrong.  This is how I think every parenting book out there should open. These books should be dedicated to "All you sorry asses who didn't buy this book first." 

Let's face it, the volume of information out there about raising children is overwhelming. Add to it all you learn from friends and family and then of course from that little resource that's called, um, what is it again? Oh yeah, Google.

There's a thing known as "yo-yo dieting" - when you go on and off diets. I have determined that there's also a thing called "yo-yo parenting." This seems to be my current technique.

Just as my soon to be two year old tests boundaries, I am testing various reactions and methods for managing his tests.  Should I do what this author said? Oh wait, it didn't work. I'll change my approach and do what the other author said. But wait. That woman posted a comment on BabyCenter.... or was it TheBump? Now that I think of it, I should search on WhatToExpect.  Sometimes I lack all conviction, feeling like I need to find the "manual" that I will follow in raising my son. Otherwise, I fear I'll continue to be a yo-yo parent. And as any parent knows, it takes way more than one time for something to stick, so you can't yo-yo, you have to commit.

But how on earth do we muster the patience to try these approaches? It occurred to me that this is why they are called terrible twos. Not because my child is a disaster during this year, but because I am the disaster. A two year old is turning to mom and dad for boundaries, for limits, for an understanding of this big and crazy world. And what do I do in response to his inquiries and protestations? I play a game of yo-yo. 

When it comes to sleep training, you can let your child cry-it-out but check in periodically. Or, you can let your child cry-it-out and not go in at all. Alternately, you could ruin your child's trust in you if you let them cry at all. Um, thanks for the advice.

Or what about when it comes to bribing your child. I know books stay away from the word bribe, but we all know what "incentivize" really means. So, when potty training, offer your child an M&M or the like if they go on the potty. And maybe a few treats if they poop. But other times, you're most certainly advised against using food as a reward - heaven forbid this takes you down the slippery slope towards childhood obesity. Thanks, experts, for clarifying the food reward thing.

I'm learning that after the first year, there's no longer a weekly manual (thank you What to Expect the First Year) of what to do with your child. It seems as though after 12 months, the parenting really begins. That would have been good to know before month 13. Because I could have prepared. I honestly and naively had thought that What to Expect the Toddler Years was going to walk me through some type of systematic approach to year 2. WRONG. But if I had known and jumped ahead (and what first-time parent has that time?), I could have done my research and made the preparations. Like a wedding, you don't just show up. You plan and make choices and prepare. Yes, some thins you'll wing day-of, but for the most part you know what you have in mind. Not so much with me and parenting. Of course I know the big picture stuff like wanting my son to feel loved and safe and for him to be kind and well mannered, etc. But as for how to get there? Insert yo-yo.

As I can now feel the yo-yo coming closer and closer to hitting me in the face, I know that I need to have confidence in myself and just make whatever decisions feel right. But as any    yo-yo dieter knows, it's hard to break the yo-yo cycle.

I'm really hoping that once I muster the strength to put down the yo-yo that my son won't  want it to then play with it. I guess that's what the traditional terrible-twos is really about.

Don't Give a Toddler Red Bull. And Other Parenting Advice.

 

To be clear, his father and I did not give him this Redbull. The little burglar took the cans from the fridge. Thankfully, he couldn't open them.  And in case you aren't already aware, toddlers do not need the "wings" that Red Bull promises. Pretty sure the battery pack they come with does the trick.




When it comes to parenting advice, I'll listen to anything anyone has to share. As you can imagine, this has resulted in a combination of wonderful advice and total inappropriateness.  

Like when Tiphanie at Safeway asked when I was due and I told her I was past my due date. "Honey, I can tell you how to get that baby to come out. I chose the date my three children were all born. I just had sex three times a day for a few days in a row and the kids just popped out. I promise it will work." Um, thank you? 

Or the time someone told me that the most important thing I needed to do to prepare for motherhood was to find God. I'm pretty sure that of the 300 items TheBump.com has told me I need to do to prepare for baby, this is not one of them. But again, thank you?

So what were the helpful bits of advice? Here they are in no particular order.

"Babies are designed to survive first time parents."

"Always remember that picking a battle with a toddler is like a game of tug-of-war. Only pick up that rope if you know you're going to win."

In regard to children wanting to dress themselves when they have no business choosing outfits; "It's not like anyone is going to look at your kid and think 'I can't believe his/her mother chose that outfit." 

"Enjoy your boobs while they are huge." Why thank you. I will.

"When you're exhausted and feel like you're going crazy, remember that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Your craziness is real." Please don't ask my husband how many times I've used this line.

"Never say you're having a shitty day with an infant unless you've already been shit on that day."

"Let the fact that your child has no memory work in your favor. It's okay to let the baby cry it out, they won't remember it in the morning." 

"However long it took for you to gain the weight is how long you have to lose it." Or, as long as it takes. So take THAT Jessica Alba!

"Do not turn on each other." This mantra saved me and my husband during many sleepless nights.

"It takes a village." If you don't have one, borrow someones. It's the same philosophy of how smokers will always let another smoker bum a cigarette. A mother will always share her village. Just don't even think about taking her weekend sitter.

"Approach baby proofing as if your child's goal in life is to try to kill themselves." 

"There's no such thing as being ready to be a parent." 

"When you fly with your child or children, the general rule is this: People understand that kids may cry and by fussy. But you MUST be in a constant state of trying to end the crying and fussiness."

"If breastfeeding in public and someone stares at you. Just turn to them and say "You're welcome."  Offering the stranger some milk for their coffee is usually crossing the line.

These are the gems I have to share. What's some of the best advice you've received?

My Housekeeper Thinks I'm Dirty

Do you have ever that fear? I'm not even sure why or how it's come to be a fear of mine, but it has. I know in my job I love to feel needed. So why wouldn't my housekeeper want to also feel needed? Maybe she does, but I'm not giving her a chance. I don't want her to feel needed because my house is so dirty.

So there you have it. I clean before the housekeeper comes. And now that I think about it, she probably thinks I'm the type of person who throws money away because when she comes over, the house is already clean. So there's my conundrum. Be judged for being dirty or judged for being frivolous with money. I'll take the latter.

I was thinking about this while applying make-up in the car as I drove my son to see his pediatrician (only at red lights, so it was safe). I hadn't slept in days because Reece had been sick, but surely if I was wearing make-up the doctor would take one look at me and think, "Wow. She's totally got this under control. What a great mom." Um, yeah. Pretty sure my make-up job did not convey that message.

After leaving my son's appointment, I began to think about the other absurd behaviors of mine that fall into the same category of cleaning for the cleaner and beautifying for my son's doctor. I was both surprised and alarmed by what I came up with.

I brush my teeth and floss right before I go to the dentist. As if to say, "I don't know why you think I have plaque. Obviously you can tell I'm diligent about brushing and flossing." It's like running your toothbrush under the faucet when you're younger and don't want to brush. You figure you can trick your parents with a wet toothbrush. Your awful, halitosis like breath surely won't give you away.

And before getting a physical or going to any appointment where I know I will be asked to step on a scale, I diet for a few days. Yes. As if that will have a huge impact on my overall health. I basically cram for the exam. I'm so crazy.

But it doesn't stop there. The list continues....

If I am ever getting a manicure or pedicure, I always remove old nail polish and make sure my nails look ok. I don't want the person to think that I'm just a mess with mangled nails. Though, instead, the person is probably thinking, "I can't believe she can't paint her own nails." For some reason, that judgement I'm ok with.

And I most certainly style my hair before going to the hairdresser. Because again, I don't want the hairdresser to think that I just wear it in a ponytail most of the time - heaven forbid (insert visual of me ALWAYS in a pony).

 

So what is it that compels me to behave in such a way as this? Naturally, the judgement of others and the desire to appear like I have it together, even when I most certainly do not. Yet what has me stumped is when I told my husband about this piece, he replied "How do you explain all the days you leave the house in sweats without make-up? Why don't you care what you look like on those days?" I paused and gave it a moments thought and replied as any good wife would. "Because you're stuck with me, so I don't need to look nice for you."

 

And scene.