Don't Give a Toddler Red Bull. And Other Parenting Advice.

 

To be clear, his father and I did not give him this Redbull. The little burglar took the cans from the fridge. Thankfully, he couldn't open them.  And in case you aren't already aware, toddlers do not need the "wings" that Red Bull promises. Pretty sure the battery pack they come with does the trick.




When it comes to parenting advice, I'll listen to anything anyone has to share. As you can imagine, this has resulted in a combination of wonderful advice and total inappropriateness.  

Like when Tiphanie at Safeway asked when I was due and I told her I was past my due date. "Honey, I can tell you how to get that baby to come out. I chose the date my three children were all born. I just had sex three times a day for a few days in a row and the kids just popped out. I promise it will work." Um, thank you? 

Or the time someone told me that the most important thing I needed to do to prepare for motherhood was to find God. I'm pretty sure that of the 300 items TheBump.com has told me I need to do to prepare for baby, this is not one of them. But again, thank you?

So what were the helpful bits of advice? Here they are in no particular order.

"Babies are designed to survive first time parents."

"Always remember that picking a battle with a toddler is like a game of tug-of-war. Only pick up that rope if you know you're going to win."

In regard to children wanting to dress themselves when they have no business choosing outfits; "It's not like anyone is going to look at your kid and think 'I can't believe his/her mother chose that outfit." 

"Enjoy your boobs while they are huge." Why thank you. I will.

"When you're exhausted and feel like you're going crazy, remember that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Your craziness is real." Please don't ask my husband how many times I've used this line.

"Never say you're having a shitty day with an infant unless you've already been shit on that day."

"Let the fact that your child has no memory work in your favor. It's okay to let the baby cry it out, they won't remember it in the morning." 

"However long it took for you to gain the weight is how long you have to lose it." Or, as long as it takes. So take THAT Jessica Alba!

"Do not turn on each other." This mantra saved me and my husband during many sleepless nights.

"It takes a village." If you don't have one, borrow someones. It's the same philosophy of how smokers will always let another smoker bum a cigarette. A mother will always share her village. Just don't even think about taking her weekend sitter.

"Approach baby proofing as if your child's goal in life is to try to kill themselves." 

"There's no such thing as being ready to be a parent." 

"When you fly with your child or children, the general rule is this: People understand that kids may cry and by fussy. But you MUST be in a constant state of trying to end the crying and fussiness."

"If breastfeeding in public and someone stares at you. Just turn to them and say "You're welcome."  Offering the stranger some milk for their coffee is usually crossing the line.

These are the gems I have to share. What's some of the best advice you've received?

My Housekeeper Thinks I'm Dirty

Do you have ever that fear? I'm not even sure why or how it's come to be a fear of mine, but it has. I know in my job I love to feel needed. So why wouldn't my housekeeper want to also feel needed? Maybe she does, but I'm not giving her a chance. I don't want her to feel needed because my house is so dirty.

So there you have it. I clean before the housekeeper comes. And now that I think about it, she probably thinks I'm the type of person who throws money away because when she comes over, the house is already clean. So there's my conundrum. Be judged for being dirty or judged for being frivolous with money. I'll take the latter.

I was thinking about this while applying make-up in the car as I drove my son to see his pediatrician (only at red lights, so it was safe). I hadn't slept in days because Reece had been sick, but surely if I was wearing make-up the doctor would take one look at me and think, "Wow. She's totally got this under control. What a great mom." Um, yeah. Pretty sure my make-up job did not convey that message.

After leaving my son's appointment, I began to think about the other absurd behaviors of mine that fall into the same category of cleaning for the cleaner and beautifying for my son's doctor. I was both surprised and alarmed by what I came up with.

I brush my teeth and floss right before I go to the dentist. As if to say, "I don't know why you think I have plaque. Obviously you can tell I'm diligent about brushing and flossing." It's like running your toothbrush under the faucet when you're younger and don't want to brush. You figure you can trick your parents with a wet toothbrush. Your awful, halitosis like breath surely won't give you away.

And before getting a physical or going to any appointment where I know I will be asked to step on a scale, I diet for a few days. Yes. As if that will have a huge impact on my overall health. I basically cram for the exam. I'm so crazy.

But it doesn't stop there. The list continues....

If I am ever getting a manicure or pedicure, I always remove old nail polish and make sure my nails look ok. I don't want the person to think that I'm just a mess with mangled nails. Though, instead, the person is probably thinking, "I can't believe she can't paint her own nails." For some reason, that judgement I'm ok with.

And I most certainly style my hair before going to the hairdresser. Because again, I don't want the hairdresser to think that I just wear it in a ponytail most of the time - heaven forbid (insert visual of me ALWAYS in a pony).

 

So what is it that compels me to behave in such a way as this? Naturally, the judgement of others and the desire to appear like I have it together, even when I most certainly do not. Yet what has me stumped is when I told my husband about this piece, he replied "How do you explain all the days you leave the house in sweats without make-up? Why don't you care what you look like on those days?" I paused and gave it a moments thought and replied as any good wife would. "Because you're stuck with me, so I don't need to look nice for you."

 

And scene.

Bait and Switch

So, you're going to have a baby! Congratulations. Enjoy thinking about all those amazing milestone events you can't wait to do together because guess what? The whole first few years of parenting are a bait and switch.

Those dreams of taking your little guy fishing and camping. Of taking your daughter to the American Girl store and putting bows in her hair. Those dreams are a far, far cry from your new reality as a parent.

In fact, what no one will tell you is that the first parenting milestone is making sure your kids' plumbing works.

Yes, that's the first parenting goal you will have. The doctors and nurses are adamant about recording every pee and poop. Congrats mom and dad because you are now the official recorders of shit. Literally.

My husband has a "bait and switch" philosophy about marriages (will definitely cover that in another post) and about parenthood.

You are "baited" into parenthood by thinking long term about your life. Of course you will have kids playing in the yard. And of course those kids will learn to ride bikes in the driveway. But not before you put up the basketball hoop so you can teach your kids how to shoot a ball. Wow, thinking about basketball you then segue into thinking about their first baseball game. You will buy them team shirts and foam fingers. Ballpark hot dogs and cotton candy.

These are the things my husband focused on as we entered parenthood. And boy oh boy wasn't he surprised when he realized that first, his sports loving and great athlete of a son would need to learn to hold up the weight of his own head. And that right there is the switch.

It's like dreaming of hearing your child say "mommy," only to have a little traitor like my son who said "daddy" first.

And whoever coined the phrase "sleep like a baby" was mocking parents.

And so there it is. The thing no one will tell you but me. Becoming a parent is a bait and switch. You are lured into it with the "someday our family will _ ." And then you're rattled when you realize that blank is filled with things like "leave the house" because by the time you're ready to go anywhere, your baby will definitely have pooped. Don't forget to right that down.

Just to be clear, I write this with fondness for the bait and switch. It's because of the bait that you keep on giving everything you have. And one day, it's no longer a switch. They actually do turn into the little people you dreamt about. Even though you are still tracking their poops.

You Whine, I Wine

I blame pregnancy for my fondness for wine when my son whines.

People may tell you that when you're pregnant you will stop craving some of the things you're not allowed to consume thereby making it easier to give up those things.

LIE.

For anyone who enjoys a glass of wine at the end of the day (or at lunch. I don't judge), you will still want that wine. You just concede that you can't have it.

Consider, you have that moment when you find out you're pregnant and in a bittersweet gesture you move the wine glass to the back of the cabinet. You say farewell to boozy brunches with bottomless mimosas and Bloody Marys and you begin a 40 week journey that includes some of the greatest physical discomfort you've ever known. Sleepless nights that prepare you for even less sleep once your baby arrives. You manage the stress of preparing your home, lining of childcare, possibly leaving your job. And you do this without the crutch and escape of a glass of wine at the end of each of your challenging days.

Then it happens. Baby arrives. Guess what? Mommy's got some time to make up for. Bring on the wine.

Now, I don't want to paint the picture that I have a drinking problem. That's not it. I just have a problem with not drinking.

Because of the 40 weeks spent not drinking, I think I now appreciate more than ever the ability to pour a glass of wine in the evenings and sip my way into a peaceful escape from the daily chaos of life. Somehow with wine in hand, the five o’clock meltdown doesn’t seem so unbearable. So when Reece whines, I now wine. I figure after 40-weeks of not being allowed to go near the stuff, it’s the right thing to do these days.  

For those who are parents, you know that moment when you watch your toddler behave in the most irrational way. Throwing limbs around as if in an attempt to sever them from his body; the legs kicking and arms swinging as if he is trying to defend himself from a monster and not just avoid a bath. Oh, and that bath by the way is full of bubbles, toys and fizzing color tablets. So really not that awful.  And yet, there you find yourself. A spectator of this display of this nuclear  meltdown. But, with a glass of wine in hand, it somehow turns the scene into entertaining and not so frustrating to you. So go ahead, little two foot tall monster bring it. Just don't do it on a day when we're out of wine.

I Learned All I Need to Know About Parenting from the Movies

In the absence of routine adult conversation that does not include the topic of children, do you ever find yourself with an inner monologue? If so, welcome to my inner monologue. If not, well, welcome to my crazy.

I’ve found that most men could have a conversation using just quotes from movies.  Lucky them. For me, movie quotes have become the reference for parenting milestones, challenges and joys. Yes, in my mind when something happens, I seem to always think about some movie quote.

While some more obscure than others, I looked at the AFI list of the 100 top movie quotes and found that perhaps all I need to know about parenting I can find in the movies. 

Let’s take a look at some of my pics, shall we?

“Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” Forrest Gump

This is the number one parenting lesson. No matter how ready you are, you’re not ready at all. No matter how prepared you are for a given situation, you never really can prepare for all the scenarios. As this quote both excites and humbles, for me, it’s tops. And, it does not have to remain part of your inner monologue. I look forward to one day saying this to my son, followed by “let me know when you figure out what it means.” That should totally buy me 30 seconds of quite time to myself.

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."  Gone with the Wind

This one tops my list because of its versatility of use. Yet, it can really only be enjoyed when said as part of your parenting inner monologue. You know, the things that you utter in the bubble above your head, but never would say to your child. "I don't give a damn if you don't want to go to sleep. Just – as the book is titled - Go the fuck to sleep!"  "I don't give a damn if you don't want your diaper changed. News flash. It's happening."

“This is your dance space. This is my dance space.” Dirty Dancing

How many times do you wish you could teach this lesson to your stage five clinger? When your loving little child will not sit anywhere but on your lap. When you’re child insists on going to the bathroom with you. When your child insists on sitting outside the shower, peeking at you with the curtain pulled back so to not let you out of his or her sight? Um yes, those would be moments when I wish my son knew that mommy needs her own dance space.

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."  The Godfather

Oh yes I am! This is basic parent survival 101. Bribery.

"Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." Wizard of Oz

Welcome to parenthood. Where life will never be the same as you once knew it.

“Go ahead. Make my day." Sudden Impact

The quote you never want to use, but sometimes find the strongest of urge to say. If you find yourself uttering this out loud, bad news because it's too late. It means that minor meltdown your kid was having in public just turned nuclear. Well played kiddo.


"May the force be with you." Star Wars

 This should be the salutation all parents use with each other.


 "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night." All About Eve

Welcome to the labor and delivery ward. Welcome to parenthood. Welcome to each phase that’s “just a phase.” Enough said.

 "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore." Network

This one is tricky because you need to know this one exists, but problem is, it’s being uttered in your child’s inner monologue. But knowing is half the battle, so parents, consider yourselves warned.

"You can't handle the truth."  A Few Good Men

This seems most applicable to sleep training whereby which you leave your kid alone to cry until they are so fatigued they fall asleep. Luckily, they have no idea what's happening until it's too late. You don’t really want to tell them when you’re lovingly in the midst of your bedtime routine that you’re about to let them scream for possibly hours. Trust me. They could not handle the truth.  This also goes for the question “where did I come from?” Until they are older, they don’t want to know the truth.

 "After all, tomorrow is another day."  Gone with the Wind

Thank GOD because momma can't handle another day like today.

"The stuff that dreams are made of." The Maltese Falcon

Because let's face it, being a parent is pretty fucking awesome.

No One Told Me

No one told me how much I would love my kid. But I suppose that's the one thing no one can convey with words.

No one told me just how gnarly a diaper pail smells. This is something someone could have conveyed to me. Just be honest. Tell me not to stress when registering for a shit locker because secrets out --- so long as you have to open it, it will always release the stench of day old poop into the air. Leaving you gasping for clean air.

No one told me that my body would never be the same, even if I tried to get back in shape. Um, this would have saved me many moments of insecurity and many dollars on pregnancy tests. Yes, you read that correctly. There were some dark days folks... Days when that little pooch had me convinced I had to be preggo. Surely I could not still have a pooch after 20 months, right? Wrong. Pregnancy test confirmed what mirror indicated. Pooch was in fact a pooch.

No one told me that although gravity indicates poop should stay down in the diaper, that it can in fact go up a child's back. Enough said on this one.

No one told me that leak proof cups are not in fact leak proof. WTF on this one. I mean really. How many times have I filled a sippy cup, properly placed it upright in the special cup holder in the diaper bag and later found the bag wet! The packaging on these cups should read "Attention parents: we did our best but we still can't get these to stop leaking."

No one told me that the smaller the child, the more crap you need. This goes for around the house and when traveling. It starts when they are a newborn. You don't just need one crib, you need three. What?! One for the nursery, one for your room, and the pack and play in the living room for quick diaper changes. Yes, you have 3 beds for a person who most likely sleeps in the large bouncer or swing that now occupy corners of your family room. But don't you worry, one day you will get rid of the swing and bouncer. Good news, right? WRONG. You will replace those things with an excersaucer (fondly also known as a neglect-a-saucer as you can leave your kid in it while you leave your kid to do other things), a jumper hanging from a doorway and a large toy to help your child learn to walk. And then the next big phase is when your child actually plays with toys. You soon find that although the little people from Little People toys are little, they only like to live in large castles, jungles and farm houses. You're welcome. So now you have one of those in your living room and probably another large contraption that pops out balls.

And then there's traveling with a kid.
Car seat. Check.
Stroller. Check.
Travel crib. Check.
Diaper bag. Check.
Toys. Check.
Monitor. Check.
Clothes, blankets, lovies, bottles, cups, snacks, treats. Check.

I'm waiting for someone to create a diaper that will hold up for an entire day of travel. On a recent trip, our flight was delayed by 4 hours. You can never have enough diapers to last through a delay. We bought some from a nice enough looking family after sizing up their kid. Gives new meaning to "it takes a village."

The list of things no one told me could go on and on. But I know what my list looks like. What's on your list?

I Wanted to Be a Parent for the French Fries

With nine nieces and nephews, I've watched my siblings happily eat the leftovers off their children's plates for years. And now as a parent myself, I get to enjoy this treat of eating food that adults really don't order (but wish we did. I mean, who doesn't love a basket of chicken tenders and fries?!).

So if we go out, I order a healthy salad and then feel guilt free when I inhale handfuls of fries and a chicken nugget or two. It's quite a wonderful set-up. It's like that little gift we get for being parents.  We get to dedicate our lives to shaping these little people to be good citizens. And we in turn get fries, nuggets, pizza and goldfish. Seems fair.

But my son has now out smarted me. On a recent trip to McDonald's he held the container of fries in his right hand, the hand farthest from where I was sitting. If I reached for one, he casually just stared at me, pulled his hand back, then dreamily looked out the window while devouring fries. And this includes me having to watch him dip the fries in ketchup and suck the ketchup off, leaving the limp fry, now inedible, sitting on the tray.  

Naturally, I was disappointed because I had built my salad lunch around the fries -- yes, I'm one of those types of people. The person who will eat pizza, but with a Diet Coke. Who will eat fries, but when the entree is a salad. (I'm aware of how ludicrous this is, but I just can't stop).  But, you'll be pleased to know that I did the adult thing. I let him have his fries and I got a small order of fries for myself.  And just as we settled in to sitting across  the table eating fries together, what happens? The little fry hoarder gets up, walks over to my side of the booth, climbs in and takes my fries.  I was in such shock when he just started eating the fries from my container -- while still holding his fries in the other hand -- that I just laughed and then he laughed and it was a great memory made.  Now mind you, I'm totally not sharing my fries in the future.